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Paleo alternatives - Why do you lie to me?!

by (1884)
Updated about 19 hours ago
Created July 30, 2012 at 12:31 PM

I'm so tired of trying out paleo alternatives to making things that resemble SAD food. It's all so disgusting, and I'm beginning to wonder if you guys are lying to other people to convince them it's good or just lying to yourself. So tell me: Why are you guys trying to create terrible alternatives and then pretend like they're good?

Disgusting Alternatives:

Cauliflower rice. NO NO NO this does NOT taste like rice. It tastes like disgusting cauliflower hacked into pieces. It's just not right.

Larabars. I seriously believed you guys that these were amazing. No. They are absolutely disgusting. I had to spit out three flavors that I tasted and now I get to throw away 14 Larabars that I stocked up on yesterday having bought EVERY flavor I could. Absolutely disgusting like a mixture of rotten fruit and some awful vinegar taste.

Meatza. WTF? Are you serious? Hardened meat as your crust?! :/ no.

Coconut flour. Have you seriously tried using a significant amount of coconut fluor in anything and had it come out good? I've had ONE recipe come out good and it seemed because I used shortening and tons of other crap to cover it up. Coconut flour crepes are disgusting. Coconut flour pancakes disgusting. Coconut flour biscuits disgusting. Nothing even comes out as a good texture!!

I don't even want to go into coconut aminos or any other paleofied crap.

I absolutely give up on any of this garbage, and I'll stick to my original paleo foods.

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10490 · August 03, 2012 at 7:59 PM

+1 because it is helpful, regardless of whether or not the humor is understood. I think a lot of newbies can get too caught up in trying to make "Paleo substitutes" that don't taste good, and get turned off Paleo in general when a simplified approach would be more appetizing and easier. Why have "substitutes" on a regular basis when you can just eat real, good food that is intended as nothing but itself? Then try a few cheats or substitutes.

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10490 · August 03, 2012 at 7:55 PM

I think Sleepyhouse is just saying that a lot of the substitutions that Paleo people make aren't appetizing to him/her. Like cauliflower rice. Ew. Just ain't happening for me, either, but kudos to other people for whom it does work. That doesn't mean I don't think it's Paleo - it just means that I don't find it an acceptable substitute for my taste buds.

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325 · August 02, 2012 at 6:02 PM

-1 because this seems like and insult hidden in a "just kidding" and isn't helpful to anyone...if those foods don't appeal or work for you, don't eat them...it's not rocket science...and meat crust is good, if your's was dried out you did it wrong

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1884 · August 01, 2012 at 12:42 PM

haha what the hell? You are psycho, period. Have fun being miserable.

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24271 · July 31, 2012 at 11:28 PM

Do you honestly think I would ever take advise from you Sleephouse? Now that, THAT, is funny! You are so presumptuous aren't you? You post wasn't funny to me and apparently others. Perhaps you can step back and reevaluate your communication skills in general since this one was a big fail. And while you're at it leave other people's choices alone. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Show a little respect would you please? Korion, this is not personal at all. I work too hard with people struggling for a better life to let BS fly by unchallenged. I just hate the BS. That's all.

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24271 · July 31, 2012 at 10:59 PM

I am just fed up with the paleo police around here. Sure someone is eating peanut butter 4 times a week and says they are paleo o.k. fine maybe they deserve a dose of harsh reality. But this harsh line some have drawn and the propensity for them to try to inflict their standard on others is hurting people. It drives them away. People think they have to be perfect or live up to someone elses crazy standards when they absolutely do not. To even joke about this stuff just is wrong. Our assholey rigid thinking is turning people away and that IS upsetting and that is worth being mentioned

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24271 · July 31, 2012 at 10:54 PM

Do you honestly think I would ever take advise from you Sleephouse? You are so presumptuous aren't you? You post wasn't funny to me and apparently to many others. I would say you reevaluate your communication skills in general since this one was a big fail. And while you're at it leave other people's choices alone. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Show a little respect would you please?

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1884 · July 31, 2012 at 12:34 PM

You sound just like my boyfriend! He's a meat and potatoes guy and loves to be able to taste the meat. No marinades, seasonings, sauces EVER. I'm okay with that, it makes life (and dinners) easy!

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1884 · July 31, 2012 at 12:29 PM

I LOVE coconut. I actually went home and ate/drank an entire young coconut immediately upon arrival.

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404 · July 31, 2012 at 12:57 AM

i liked his tone - pretty much anti-establishment - what can be better, even for paleo? ----- ditching butter, all things coconut, stupendous amounts of fat, "safe carbs" ----- and now one is real paleo

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5 · July 30, 2012 at 10:38 PM

Mmm you made me want a larabar

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5808 · July 30, 2012 at 10:27 PM

I get the feeling you don't like coconut...

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5808 · July 30, 2012 at 10:06 PM

Coconut aminos are very tasty, in place of soy sauce. It's unrecognizable as not being soy sauce in the dishes I make. Do you like soy sauce? What were you using coconut aminos on/in?

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8933 · July 30, 2012 at 9:49 PM

The big problem here is that apparently it had to turn into a personal argument while this thread is just criticizing ideas, not persons. I thought Sleepyhouse's post was pretty funny :), like *"I thought it'd be a good pre-workout snack. Maybe it's just a good pre-vomit snack."* or *"Tonight I'm making either a chicken pot pie or chicken and dumplings from scratch... neither will be tried into a paleo version due to fear of sucking."*

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158 · July 30, 2012 at 8:53 PM

I think coconut aminos rock!! It allows me to go out and enjoy sashimi, and sometimes sushi, with my family...and dining out with non-paleo folks aint easy. For some of us with a high intolerance to wheat/soy it is a god send.

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7292 · July 30, 2012 at 8:48 PM

Its not the gluten its the estrogen mimicking proteins in soy that I avoid.

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2227 · July 30, 2012 at 8:25 PM

here you go: http://fastpaleo.com/paleo-pumpkin-pancakes/

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4632 · July 30, 2012 at 8:12 PM

Hey Chris - do you mind sharing that pumpkin pancake recipe? I love pumpkin anything, and I think it could improve on the texture of coconut flour, which I typically avoid, but I think I gave up on it too quickly.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 7:20 PM

You're right, cauliflower can be good in different incarnations. My only point about cauliflower being used as a rice - it doesn't taste like rice, how could it be a rice substitute? Just because you get a texture of rice? I could get a lot of things to be the texture of rice including say, coconut... but I'm not going to advertise that coconut can be a substitute for rice like most paleo websites do. That's where the disconnect occurs.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 7:15 PM

Raney, I'm not understanding your point. You are offended because I sound incredibly young here or because I'm not partaking in ego-boosting?

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 7:10 PM

I'm not going to lie - these were amazing (probably because of the whipped cream and strawberries though... and the shortening... and the syrup). http://beta.primal-palate.com/blog/kitchenaid-giveaway-gluten-free-strawberry-shortcake/

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4875 · July 30, 2012 at 7:08 PM

You tell 'em Shari. Also, sleepy: you sound incredibly young here.

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4875 · July 30, 2012 at 7:05 PM

Cauliflower is awesome in all incarnations. I dice mine, cook in bacon grease, add back the bacon that produced said grease along with some ground beef and broccoli. Makes a lovely, rich, fatty stir-fry. It isn't rice, nor do I want it to be... just because someone presents a recipe as a simulacrum doesn't mean you can't still glean inspiration from it.

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45 · July 30, 2012 at 7:04 PM

Amen Sleepyhouse

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 5:36 PM

Actually, I love cauliflower. Particularly Middle-Eastern cauliflower dipped in hummus.

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41432 · July 30, 2012 at 4:11 PM

I used this, but subbing in some almond meal instead. Very calorie dense, but pretty good! http://rawxy.com/2011/02/kale-pizza-with-sweet-potato-crust/

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1127 · July 30, 2012 at 3:37 PM

Sweet Potato Crust? Link or recipe that you found successful would be great, Matt. Obsessed with making a Paleo apple pie. You sound like a creative cook.

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1127 · July 30, 2012 at 3:33 PM

When has a pile of asses ever tasted bad?

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214 · July 30, 2012 at 3:19 PM

meatza...IS amazing, and all my non-paleo friends think so as well.

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762 · July 30, 2012 at 3:18 PM

Oh, yeah, larabars, I didn't even know that someone could not like them :) Everyone likes foods they are used to, that's why vegetarians like their soy bacon, paleos like cauliflower rice etc. so people imitate what they are used to within the limitations they have to adhere to.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 3:12 PM

By chill pill, I do mean that you should reevaluate your life. You just let your ego get ahead of you and now you practically ruined your entire day because you are ridiculously angry over something stupid. I'm not going to let you drag me into an argument. I'm not going to let myself be tempted to argue with you to make me feel better. Thus, you shouldn't have gotten angry from the beginning. And it was most obviously an ego problem because it wasn't even a personal matter. So, I suggest to you to forget about it and make your day a better day than you started.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 3:06 PM

Gydle - that sounds good, but I haven't have some of those seeds since I was a kid. I'll have to try it out. I will say that I have had success in creating simple paleo treats that don't have obscure ingredients - my favorite being these little treats. http://urbanposer.blogspot.com/2012/05/egg-free-vanilla-bean-coconut-macaroons.html

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 3:00 PM

Wow, you take the internet quite seriously, don't you? If you can't tell, I'm lighthearted about it, but thoroughly disappointed in paleo alternatives. I'll also let you know that I tried making a noodle-less, cheese-less tuna casserole that tasted like total garbage, but that's for another day. You should take a chill pill. Just a tip because you sound overly angry over something that shouldn't have even bothered you.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:51 PM

Well, this may disgust you. When I was a kid, they used to have spray caps on kikkoman bottles (don't see this anymore), and I used to just sit there spraying it into my mouth. Even offered sprays to other people. We were literally raised on the stuff. Just last night it was the marinade to my korean shortribs and the finishing touch on my broccoli. Nothing takes me back home as much as soy sauce. <3 There's just some things each of us refuse to sacrifice for different reasons - taste wise or what it means to us personally.

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24271 · July 30, 2012 at 2:50 PM

Interesting that you are trying to frame this as a joke. Look at your rather serious responses to people? For example, you don't like cauliflower rice or coconut aminos because you are Asian so you know good rice and soy sauce? Where is the joke in that exactly? Sounds to me like you were pretty darn serious when you mocked cauliflower rice and coconut aminos. Again what was the purpose of your original post? I find it hard to believe it was anything but to belittle people who make different choices than you.

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24271 · July 30, 2012 at 2:45 PM

You don't sound like you are joking. What is the point of this even being a joke? You sound exactly like all the others who post here about anything other than raw meat and sweet potatoes being unacceptable. I am sick of it and I said so. What I understand is that posts like this make people think they are doing something wrong and that is a shame. So many people are trying so hard to make their way on this diet and this criticism (or some sort of sick humor that comes down to criticism?) makes steam come out of my ears. If you meant this as humor you failed. Feel free to edit.

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5043 · July 30, 2012 at 2:44 PM

Sleepyhouse, for a pre or post-workout treat (or a hiking treat) this recipe is to die for. It uses rice syrup, so no go on a Whole30 but ok in moderation after I think. PS I don't toast the coconut and I grind up the flaxseeds. http://madcapcupcake.com/2009/05/05/seed-nut-bars-that-make-you-go-zoom/

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5043 · July 30, 2012 at 2:40 PM

Sleepyhouse, I'm with you. I don't see how 1 tablespoon of soy sauce (for a meal that feeds four!) once in a blue moon is gonna kill me. I can't find "coconut aminos" whatever they are, in my part of the world anyway. Much less coconut flour.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:23 PM

I never said a word about anything being un-paleo so I'm not sure where you got that from. You brought it up twice so you really must have misunderstood where I was coming from. Also, I'm joking. If you really took that as me belittling anybody, grow (organically, of course) a sense of humor.

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11048 · July 30, 2012 at 2:21 PM

Coconut aminos have a slightly sweet soy sauce flavor. I actually use less coconut aminos than I did soy sauce when marinating meat.

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3772 · July 30, 2012 at 2:18 PM

I'm a lazy cook. Don't wanna do any more prep or wash any more pans/dishes than I absolutely have to. I also like having lots of cupboard space, now that I don't need to store pasta, beans, and cans/boxes of food. So sheer laziness has kept me from bothering with most "paleo" substitutes, and not wanting another expensive and/or hard-to-find ingredient cluttering up my cabinets is another. And I dislike cauliflower, so cauliflower "rice" or mashed fauxtatoes just ain't happening.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:18 PM

I absolutely love cooking and that's just how I know of so many paleo failures. Tonight I'm making either a chicken pot pie or chicken and dumplings from scratch... neither will be tried into a paleo version due to fear of sucking.

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5381 · July 30, 2012 at 2:17 PM

:) All true, and funny :P

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:17 PM

This may be creepy, but I love that girl's lats.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:15 PM

Funny, Apple pie was the one flavor that was sold out at Kroger. It must be one of the best.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:12 PM

Marie, I'll gladly ship them to you. megphotos@live.com if you want to send me your mailing info. :)

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3772 · July 30, 2012 at 2:09 PM

There's a lemon Larabar that tastes a lot like Lemon Pledge furniture polish. A LOT. I also dislike the chocolate varieties; I'll stick to eating dark chocolate instead. But I do like Cashew Cookie, Apple Pie, and (occasionally) Cherry Pie, and I loved the Peanut Butter Cookie ones until I developed an intolerance for peanuts.

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40 · July 30, 2012 at 2:06 PM

Don't throw the larabars away, mail them to me :) I'll pay shipping. They make a great snack for my kids when we're on the road.

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20411 · July 30, 2012 at 1:57 PM

I like cauli-mashed potatoes. But real food is better than most of those "treat" recipes.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:55 PM

I definitely did NOT want figs, dates, or nuts. I wanted a blueberry muffin, coconut cream pie, or chocolate chip cookie dough.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:34 PM

I think Tamari has more soy than soy sauce? I've never tried it though... but I'm not a big gluten avoiding type of person.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:29 PM

Haha! Okay, I did go overboard on the Larabars. They were for sale 10/$10 and my mom was buying my groceries as I'm saving for a house. I thought it'd be a good pre-workout snack. Maybe it's just a good pre-vomit snack. Totally agree about the sugar thing... I quit tea + sweet n low during my Whole30, and now I can't go back no matter how much I want to. It's like a syrup! Maybe a sugar detox is in order.

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6107 · July 30, 2012 at 1:27 PM

Ewwww. Rice pudding with cauli-rice. Totally inappropriate!

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540 · July 30, 2012 at 1:26 PM

Sleepyhouse - have you tried Tamari? Gluten free soy sauce. I don't notice a difference.

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6107 · July 30, 2012 at 1:23 PM

Yeah, soy sauce is probably fine for most people, especially considering the dose. I would never give it up--certainly not for something gaggingly gross as coconut aminos.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:21 PM

I don't think there's any hurt in trying. Otherwise I wouldn't have discovered that plantain chips are friggin delicious.

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41432 · July 30, 2012 at 1:20 PM

Soy sauce is a traditional food, fermented. It's probably ok in moderate amounts.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:14 PM

I typically give it a shot like, once or twice a month when I'm feeling adventurous. I always stick to our regular meals (real food), but sometimes I want to see what the big deal is about something. I hear so many good things about it from the community, so I figure, why not? Now I know why not.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:11 PM

I can't. Soy sauce is in my blood and something I just can't give up no matter what. It's a cultural thing. :/

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7292 · July 30, 2012 at 1:04 PM

I would avoid soy sauce like the plague. Soy is horrible for you.

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997 · July 30, 2012 at 12:51 PM

Totally agree about the Larabars and coconut flour. Haven't tried the "meatzah" crust as it just sounds wrong and I can't have dairy anyway.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 12:46 PM

Maybe it's because I'm part Japanese, and we were raised on good rice and soy sauce... I can't stand the horrible splash of cauliflower juice you get when you bite into it. It just ruins any image of rice you could fake. Very unfortunate because I gave it a second shot and tried making rice pudding with it. lol

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A7768b6c6be7f5d6acc76e5efa66464c
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6107 · July 30, 2012 at 1:21 PM

At first I objected to the tone of this, but when I got to the line about the Larabars, I realized you were joking around--no rational person would stock up on every flavor of something they never tried!

Having said that, I mostly agree with your rant. Coconut aminos made me wretch. I liked cauli-rice, but only because it was cauliflower, which I love, and not because it was a suitable rice substitute. I haven't tried meatza, but no less a pizza maker than the famous Lou Malnati's offers one here in Chicago, and I find it hard to imagine it's all that bad. Too rich, perhaps, but it's essentially just a baked casserole of meat, vegetables, and cheese (so, not strictly paleo)--what could be bad? I bought some coconut flour but haven't tried it yet; I imagine it working best in something like crepes.

I think it's best to think about these foods in terms of what they do best. Cauli-rice doesn't behave like rice in cooking, so you can't really use it for, say, jambalaya or paella, or risotto. But used for "fried rice," it's nothing more than stir-fried vegetables. And of course, if one truly doesn't like a food, one probably won't like it cooked in most any way. Don't like cailuliflower? You're not going to like cauliflower mashed.

In the end you come around to what I consider the best solution: adapt to living without old favorites rather than trying so hard to find substitutes. I'm learning that the approach I used for sweeteners might work best for most foods: quit eating refined sugars, and don't use artificial sweeteners, and eventually one loses one's taste for (addiction to) sweetened foods. Over time, the natural sweetness of fruit seems magnified. I find the amount of artificial sweeteners used by many (non-paleo) low-carbers shocking--all those dreadful syrups!

Using substitutes seems to keep hope alive that we can continue to eat the way we always have. And when I want pizza or rice, I just eat them as a treat. (I realize that's not an option for everyone.)

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404 · July 31, 2012 at 12:57 AM

i liked his tone - pretty much anti-establishment - what can be better, even for paleo? ----- ditching butter, all things coconut, stupendous amounts of fat, "safe carbs" ----- and now one is real paleo

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:29 PM

Haha! Okay, I did go overboard on the Larabars. They were for sale 10/$10 and my mom was buying my groceries as I'm saving for a house. I thought it'd be a good pre-workout snack. Maybe it's just a good pre-vomit snack. Totally agree about the sugar thing... I quit tea + sweet n low during my Whole30, and now I can't go back no matter how much I want to. It's like a syrup! Maybe a sugar detox is in order.

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24271 · July 30, 2012 at 2:17 PM

Yeah well goodie for you! I'm happy you found what works best for you but why do you find the need to belittle other people's creative ideas to help them stay compliant? What is the point? First of all if larabars are disgusting to you I have to say you are warped in the most serious way. Secondly I live on cauliflower rice and there is NOTHING un-paleo about it. No one ever said it tastes like rice. It is cauliflower. You thought it would taste like rice? Hmmm.

I've not time to go through you list items one by one. Overall I think the judgmental tone of this post is a sad representation of a faction of the paleo community who think their way is the only way and that anyone who cannot comply with their supposed "pure" version is not doing it right. Compliance is the major obstacle to this diet (and most diets) Anything that helps someone be compliant while maintaining the basic integrity of the diet is fine by me. It should be fine by everyone. If it doesn't work for you that's fine. You try it and then you move on. But this ridiculous berating of those who do use certain products, cooking techniques, recipes, etc to stay on the path are doing just fine and don't deserve any criticism from anyone. Finely chopped cauliflower is some sort of dietary abomination? Nuts and fruit mixed together is un-paleo? Oh please! And I make a damn-fine coconut flour pancake if I do say so myself. Apparently some of us just don't know how to bake or cook???

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10490 · August 03, 2012 at 7:55 PM

I think Sleepyhouse is just saying that a lot of the substitutions that Paleo people make aren't appetizing to him/her. Like cauliflower rice. Ew. Just ain't happening for me, either, but kudos to other people for whom it does work. That doesn't mean I don't think it's Paleo - it just means that I don't find it an acceptable substitute for my taste buds.

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1884 · August 01, 2012 at 12:42 PM

haha what the hell? You are psycho, period. Have fun being miserable.

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24271 · July 31, 2012 at 11:28 PM

Do you honestly think I would ever take advise from you Sleephouse? Now that, THAT, is funny! You are so presumptuous aren't you? You post wasn't funny to me and apparently others. Perhaps you can step back and reevaluate your communication skills in general since this one was a big fail. And while you're at it leave other people's choices alone. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Show a little respect would you please? Korion, this is not personal at all. I work too hard with people struggling for a better life to let BS fly by unchallenged. I just hate the BS. That's all.

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24271 · July 31, 2012 at 10:59 PM

I am just fed up with the paleo police around here. Sure someone is eating peanut butter 4 times a week and says they are paleo o.k. fine maybe they deserve a dose of harsh reality. But this harsh line some have drawn and the propensity for them to try to inflict their standard on others is hurting people. It drives them away. People think they have to be perfect or live up to someone elses crazy standards when they absolutely do not. To even joke about this stuff just is wrong. Our assholey rigid thinking is turning people away and that IS upsetting and that is worth being mentioned

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24271 · July 31, 2012 at 10:54 PM

Do you honestly think I would ever take advise from you Sleephouse? You are so presumptuous aren't you? You post wasn't funny to me and apparently to many others. I would say you reevaluate your communication skills in general since this one was a big fail. And while you're at it leave other people's choices alone. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Show a little respect would you please?

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5808 · July 30, 2012 at 10:06 PM

Coconut aminos are very tasty, in place of soy sauce. It's unrecognizable as not being soy sauce in the dishes I make. Do you like soy sauce? What were you using coconut aminos on/in?

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8933 · July 30, 2012 at 9:49 PM

The big problem here is that apparently it had to turn into a personal argument while this thread is just criticizing ideas, not persons. I thought Sleepyhouse's post was pretty funny :), like *"I thought it'd be a good pre-workout snack. Maybe it's just a good pre-vomit snack."* or *"Tonight I'm making either a chicken pot pie or chicken and dumplings from scratch... neither will be tried into a paleo version due to fear of sucking."*

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 7:15 PM

Raney, I'm not understanding your point. You are offended because I sound incredibly young here or because I'm not partaking in ego-boosting?

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4875 · July 30, 2012 at 7:08 PM

You tell 'em Shari. Also, sleepy: you sound incredibly young here.

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45 · July 30, 2012 at 7:04 PM

Amen Sleepyhouse

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 3:12 PM

By chill pill, I do mean that you should reevaluate your life. You just let your ego get ahead of you and now you practically ruined your entire day because you are ridiculously angry over something stupid. I'm not going to let you drag me into an argument. I'm not going to let myself be tempted to argue with you to make me feel better. Thus, you shouldn't have gotten angry from the beginning. And it was most obviously an ego problem because it wasn't even a personal matter. So, I suggest to you to forget about it and make your day a better day than you started.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 3:00 PM

Wow, you take the internet quite seriously, don't you? If you can't tell, I'm lighthearted about it, but thoroughly disappointed in paleo alternatives. I'll also let you know that I tried making a noodle-less, cheese-less tuna casserole that tasted like total garbage, but that's for another day. You should take a chill pill. Just a tip because you sound overly angry over something that shouldn't have even bothered you.

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24271 · July 30, 2012 at 2:50 PM

Interesting that you are trying to frame this as a joke. Look at your rather serious responses to people? For example, you don't like cauliflower rice or coconut aminos because you are Asian so you know good rice and soy sauce? Where is the joke in that exactly? Sounds to me like you were pretty darn serious when you mocked cauliflower rice and coconut aminos. Again what was the purpose of your original post? I find it hard to believe it was anything but to belittle people who make different choices than you.

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24271 · July 30, 2012 at 2:45 PM

You don't sound like you are joking. What is the point of this even being a joke? You sound exactly like all the others who post here about anything other than raw meat and sweet potatoes being unacceptable. I am sick of it and I said so. What I understand is that posts like this make people think they are doing something wrong and that is a shame. So many people are trying so hard to make their way on this diet and this criticism (or some sort of sick humor that comes down to criticism?) makes steam come out of my ears. If you meant this as humor you failed. Feel free to edit.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:23 PM

I never said a word about anything being un-paleo so I'm not sure where you got that from. You brought it up twice so you really must have misunderstood where I was coming from. Also, I'm joking. If you really took that as me belittling anybody, grow (organically, of course) a sense of humor.

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1966 · July 30, 2012 at 1:03 PM

Stop trying to make imitation food and just eat real food! People twist paleo so they can keep their addictions alive, and it's not healthy even if the ingredients are. Eat meat and plants, drink water. It's simple and people need to stop making things complicated.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:21 PM

I don't think there's any hurt in trying. Otherwise I wouldn't have discovered that plantain chips are friggin delicious.

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20411 · July 30, 2012 at 1:54 PM

Dr. Harris suggests that paleo- in front of neolithic foods, such as pancakes, is a bit like smoking candy cigarettes:

http://www.archevore.com/panu-weblog/2010/1/13/smoking-candy-cigarettes.html

"Do you train yourself to crave the manufactured food of the dominant paradigm?
...
"I am on record as saying that sweets should be mostly avoided if you do not want to have difficulty avoiding sweets.

"It???s easy to make fun of commercial junk in a box like ???low carb??? pasta, zone and atkins bars, etc. All stuff that may be gluten free or have sawdust in place of high glycemic-index starch, but whose real reason for existence is just to appropriate what should properly be freestanding, honest, real food back into the maw of corporate big-agra commercial interests."

"I cannot prove it, but it also seems plausible that eating and drinking artificial sweeteners is a physiologic version of ???smoking candy cigarettes???. There is likely to be some neuro-hormonal conditioning along with three diet sodas a day. Is there any way a diet soda habit makes it easier to avoid the hyper-ubiquitous sweets we are surrounded by?

"And planning for ???cheat days??? makes just as much sense as a weekly Marlboro red for ex-smokers or the odd line of coke once in a while after you have left Hazelden." .
.
(Good god, I love his writing style! That last line makes me laugh every time I read it.)

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5381 · July 30, 2012 at 2:17 PM

:) All true, and funny :P

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:17 PM

This may be creepy, but I love that girl's lats.

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1178 · July 30, 2012 at 3:11 PM

Looks like someone is having a Monday... Geez.

Lighten up a bit. Just because you don't like something, doesn't mean you need to go off on some pissy rant about it. I hate ham and the thought of any mayonnaise, let alone a Paleo one made with olive oil sounds vile but I'm not fresking out about it or calling people liars when they think those things are delightful...

I personally like Larabars, not every flavor. I use coconut aminos because I'm highly allergic to soy, and finding it has been great for certain recipes. As for the rest, I've not tried them nor do they seem that interesting to me. I'm not looking for fill in foods, just a way to eat that keeps me pain free.

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762 · July 30, 2012 at 3:18 PM

Oh, yeah, larabars, I didn't even know that someone could not like them :) Everyone likes foods they are used to, that's why vegetarians like their soy bacon, paleos like cauliflower rice etc. so people imitate what they are used to within the limitations they have to adhere to.

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370 · July 30, 2012 at 1:38 PM

Since I have the culinary skills of a dead cat, I've never toyed with any 'Paleofied' SAD foods; I just stick to meats, veggies, fruit, nuts, and other Paleo foods that don't require baking/kitchen fanciness. I might be tempted to get more creative in the kitchen if it wasn't for the fact that 'cauliflower rice' just sounds like it's going to taste like a pile of asses.

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1127 · July 30, 2012 at 3:33 PM

When has a pile of asses ever tasted bad?

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3772 · July 30, 2012 at 2:18 PM

I'm a lazy cook. Don't wanna do any more prep or wash any more pans/dishes than I absolutely have to. I also like having lots of cupboard space, now that I don't need to store pasta, beans, and cans/boxes of food. So sheer laziness has kept me from bothering with most "paleo" substitutes, and not wanting another expensive and/or hard-to-find ingredient cluttering up my cabinets is another. And I dislike cauliflower, so cauliflower "rice" or mashed fauxtatoes just ain't happening.

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3043 · July 30, 2012 at 8:52 PM

How is this even a question? Its just a rant.

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579 · July 30, 2012 at 2:19 PM

I'm married to a chef by trade (no longer practicing but does all the cooking) and he's hated almost all the recipes we've tried from various blogs/websites. He now requires previewing all recipes for balance and measurement accuracy. We have found one favorite brownie recipe, one chocolate chip cookie, one pie filling (no crust found yet), etc. So we have as a family decided to not waste money trying too many other recipes since we love the Paleo keepers. Even the regular meals are way off most of the time. So we are using traditional methods and keeping it Paleo. I will not be buying cookbooks like I did when I went Raw. Just donated all those to the library Saturday!

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5381 · July 30, 2012 at 2:13 PM

"NO NO NO this does NOT taste like rice." - IDK, rice tastes like crap to me. Gloggy gut bloating starch with a hint of iron fillings flavour.

"Meatza. WTF? Are you serious? Hardened meat as your crust?! :/ no." - Great things about pizza, is its the cheese, meat, pineapple, capsicum, tomato, olives etc that tastes good. Even though its not stricky paleo, ive just been using ham steaks with loads of yummy toppings. Had some tonight.

"Coconut flour. Have you seriously tried using a significant amount of coconut fluor in anything and had it come out good?"

This is probably true. I made one thing with coconut flour once, and while it didnt taste all that bad actually (might have used a 50/50 blend with almond flour), it was so full of fiber it did a number on me. Plus, I actually dislike that carby bloated feeling post dinner now. Coconut flour baking, just reminded me of how bad eating used to feel.

People are like "ohh, I am so satisfied my digestive organs are in pain and stretched to capacity!"

Lol, no thanks.

"I don't even want to go into coconut aminos or any other paleofied crap."

What do coconut aminos taste like? I am curious, ill probably never eat them because they use coconut sugar, but curious....

One thing I enjoy about paleo is trying new things.

My body seems to prefer when those things are simple actual foods with actual nutritional value, rather than empty flavour manipulations (ie lime and coconut or salt, cheese and tomato, versus tumeric and cinnomon) but its still interesting to learn about new foods, and new flavour combinations.

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158 · July 30, 2012 at 8:53 PM

I think coconut aminos rock!! It allows me to go out and enjoy sashimi, and sometimes sushi, with my family...and dining out with non-paleo folks aint easy. For some of us with a high intolerance to wheat/soy it is a god send.

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11048 · July 30, 2012 at 2:21 PM

Coconut aminos have a slightly sweet soy sauce flavor. I actually use less coconut aminos than I did soy sauce when marinating meat.

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308 · July 30, 2012 at 9:32 PM

Okay, I've always railed against fakery. When a real spinach and flank steak salad is so GOOD, why try to turn it into something completely different and fake?

And I agree that most of the ... um... "inventions" leave a lot to be desired. But not all!

Meatzah, for example- If the "crust" is a bit thin and you cook it right (cast iron, frying pan to broiler) it works out well as a finger-edible meat dish. is it going to "fake" bread? oh, hades, no! But it can be good.

Riced cauli- I happen to like this. I never really got into rice, so I'm not sure what's up here. A few tips- 1: season it better/more and add garlic and onion and kale. 2: don't overcook it. It's one of those veggies best eaten close to raw.

No clue about larabars, that's too into the realm of fakery instead of food prep and I won't touch it :)

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1169 · July 30, 2012 at 9:10 PM

I have never understood why people do this and I suspec tin the UK we just tend to eat meat, veg and carb as a standard meal often without any fasle modern food so it is much much easier here to be paleo than in countries like the US where so many people seem to eat processed food only. It is still very common in the UK to have chicken broccoli and potato (so easy just to havei t without the potato).

Also I have always preferred plain foods. My mother could never put a sauce on what I ate. I seemed to like the natural foods as they were - why ruin good meat with XYZ sauce I would say.

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1884 · July 31, 2012 at 12:34 PM

You sound just like my boyfriend! He's a meat and potatoes guy and loves to be able to taste the meat. No marinades, seasonings, sauces EVER. I'm okay with that, it makes life (and dinners) easy!

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7380 · July 30, 2012 at 6:54 PM

Once in a very blue moon, I'll make coconut flour pancakes. Other than that, I don't do bread or other thing alternatives. Part of that is that I like the simplicity of eating paleo. Meat, veggies, butter, eggs. It's all good. I'm a trained baker, so it may also be that I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to baked goods.

But I also don't understand WHY I would eat mockups of foods I wish to avoid. Like vegetarians or vegans that eat veggie burgers, hot dogs, or bacon. The bacon and dogs taste like bandaids to me. Disgusting.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 7:10 PM

I'm not going to lie - these were amazing (probably because of the whipped cream and strawberries though... and the shortening... and the syrup). http://beta.primal-palate.com/blog/kitchenaid-giveaway-gluten-free-strawberry-shortcake/

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164 · July 30, 2012 at 5:23 PM

Then don't eat those things. Are you telling us the things we like and suggest aren't good? Then that's subjective. Eat the things you like.

There are also other things to take into account - you don't like cauliflower, but you tried it anyway? Good job for taking the plunge.

Not all Larabars are equal, maybe you chose all the flavors no one likes.

Coconut flour good, but it's very temperamental. It's a very thirsty flour and hard to work with.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 5:36 PM

Actually, I love cauliflower. Particularly Middle-Eastern cauliflower dipped in hummus.

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3014 · July 30, 2012 at 1:28 PM

Agreed! Like if you can't afford real flowers, don't buy plastic ones. Buy an ornament that isn't pretending to be something else.

I'd rather have a non-apologetic roast with vegetables on the side that is what it is, rather than a concoction pretending to be a pizza or pretending to be a granola bar. I'd rather have a piece of pizza once in a blue moon and stick to traditional foods the other time.

And yes, tried a Larabar a few months ago and it was icky.

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2369 · July 30, 2012 at 1:10 PM

I agree totally about the coconut flour. Yuck. If I make an occasional baked good, I use almond flour and suck up the extra omega 6s. Meatza is not pizza for sure. I eat the occasional gluten-free pizza if I feel the need. Basically, I usually eat real food and don't try to make it look like something else, and if I want the "something else" I'll go for the real thing. The exception is gluten which I just can't tolerate.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:14 PM

I typically give it a shot like, once or twice a month when I'm feeling adventurous. I always stick to our regular meals (real food), but sometimes I want to see what the big deal is about something. I hear so many good things about it from the community, so I figure, why not? Now I know why not.

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410 · July 30, 2012 at 1:04 PM

Meatza (avec toppings) never sounded as good to me as meatballs made with pork loin and sirloin steak (admittedly with homemade tomato sauce, but no cheese/ mushrooms etc.). OM NOM.

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2799 · July 30, 2012 at 12:52 PM

All the other stuff you mentioned sounds iffy, but I like Cashew Cookie Lara bars. I haven't tried any other flavors.

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2227 · July 30, 2012 at 2:29 PM

You know what they say, "to each his (her) own."

I would eat cauliflower rice over normal rice any day. I've got a recipe for pumpkin pancakes that uses a significant amount of coconut flour and they taste amazing (I've fed them to non-paleo's many times.)

And although I don't eat Larabars day-to-day they are going to be a great dense source of carbs for me in an upcoming adventure race.

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2227 · July 30, 2012 at 8:25 PM

here you go: http://fastpaleo.com/paleo-pumpkin-pancakes/

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4632 · July 30, 2012 at 8:12 PM

Hey Chris - do you mind sharing that pumpkin pancake recipe? I love pumpkin anything, and I think it could improve on the texture of coconut flour, which I typically avoid, but I think I gave up on it too quickly.

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40 · July 30, 2012 at 2:04 PM

I love cauliflower rice, I have a great Curried Cauliflower recipe that is to die for, in my opinion, we like it better than regular rice. Especially when eaten with an Indian curry. I also really enjoy making delicious food with coconut flour, but then I love to cook and bake and don't like to eat the same thing over and over again. So I think it's up to the individual, if your perfectly happy eating meat and veggies and nothing else, more power to you! I wish I could be happy living like that, it would sure make life easier. But when I can find the time, I love to make a delicious meal out of all different kind of things. And I only make delicious food :) Food that doesn't taste good is such a waste of time and energy.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:18 PM

I absolutely love cooking and that's just how I know of so many paleo failures. Tonight I'm making either a chicken pot pie or chicken and dumplings from scratch... neither will be tried into a paleo version due to fear of sucking.

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4111 · July 30, 2012 at 2:02 PM

Replace rice with aloo gobi. Although rice itself isn't that bad.

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4266 · July 30, 2012 at 1:52 PM

I agree with you about the Lara bars and everything else except the cauliflower. I like the cauliflower a lot. Makes the meal lighter. The only good flavor of Lara bar is cherry or cashew. Otherwise you are right, they taste like vinegar and are horrible. Next time you want figs or dates and nuts just go get figs and dates and nuts.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 2:15 PM

Funny, Apple pie was the one flavor that was sold out at Kroger. It must be one of the best.

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3772 · July 30, 2012 at 2:09 PM

There's a lemon Larabar that tastes a lot like Lemon Pledge furniture polish. A LOT. I also dislike the chocolate varieties; I'll stick to eating dark chocolate instead. But I do like Cashew Cookie, Apple Pie, and (occasionally) Cherry Pie, and I loved the Peanut Butter Cookie ones until I developed an intolerance for peanuts.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:55 PM

I definitely did NOT want figs, dates, or nuts. I wanted a blueberry muffin, coconut cream pie, or chocolate chip cookie dough.

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11048 · July 30, 2012 at 1:33 PM

I like meatza. Is it pizza? No. Does it have all of the flavors of pizza? Yes. I never ate pizza for the bread.

I rice cauliflower and it tastes fine. If you have "cauliflower water" squirting out when you take a bite, you are using too much water. Grate the cauliflower with a box grater or in the food processor, then put in the microwave for 6-7 minutes. Requires no extra water and steams beautifully. I use it to soak up the sauce of whatever dish I make.

I also make cauliflower mash by steaming it with garlic cloves, then running it in the food processor with heavy cream, Kerrygold butter, salt, and pepper. YUM!

Baking is a science. Coconut flour does not behave like wheat flour does. My hubby and son love these lemon poppy seed muffins: http://preppypaleo.blogspot.com/2012/03/paleo-lemon-poppy-seed-muffins.html I double the recipe and make 12 regular sized muffins.

I also use coconut aminos in place of soy sauce. It doesn't taste EXACTLY like soy, but is pretty darn close.

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41432 · July 30, 2012 at 1:23 PM

Coconut flour is a unique beast, and I haven't mastered its use yet. I've run out and am not planning on buying more. I've got coconut manna which is essentially coconut flour in coconut oil and it's pretty useful for paleo cookies.

No experience with Lara bars myself, but I've made my own paleo bars in the past and have enjoyed them.

Meatza? No thanks. I don't do cauliflower crust either. I'll make sweet potato or corn meal crusts and enjoy those.

Caulirice? It does take some getting used to and you have to cook it correctly. It doesn't work well as a steamed white rice substitute. It's however absolutely rockin' if you stir-fry it with an egg and some spices.

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41432 · July 30, 2012 at 4:11 PM

I used this, but subbing in some almond meal instead. Very calorie dense, but pretty good! http://rawxy.com/2011/02/kale-pizza-with-sweet-potato-crust/

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1127 · July 30, 2012 at 3:37 PM

Sweet Potato Crust? Link or recipe that you found successful would be great, Matt. Obsessed with making a Paleo apple pie. You sound like a creative cook.

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7292 · July 30, 2012 at 12:38 PM

I have to mostly agree with you in that paleo alternatives to SAD food tastes different and usually worse, but cauliflour rice or cauliflour mashed potatoes is just as good in my opinion. I have always considered rice or potatoes as filler, or something to soak up the flavor of other things, as neither tastes good on their own. Cauliflour rice does that quite well in my opinion.

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7292 · July 30, 2012 at 8:48 PM

Its not the gluten its the estrogen mimicking proteins in soy that I avoid.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:34 PM

I think Tamari has more soy than soy sauce? I've never tried it though... but I'm not a big gluten avoiding type of person.

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6107 · July 30, 2012 at 1:27 PM

Ewwww. Rice pudding with cauli-rice. Totally inappropriate!

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540 · July 30, 2012 at 1:26 PM

Sleepyhouse - have you tried Tamari? Gluten free soy sauce. I don't notice a difference.

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6107 · July 30, 2012 at 1:23 PM

Yeah, soy sauce is probably fine for most people, especially considering the dose. I would never give it up--certainly not for something gaggingly gross as coconut aminos.

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41432 · July 30, 2012 at 1:20 PM

Soy sauce is a traditional food, fermented. It's probably ok in moderate amounts.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 1:11 PM

I can't. Soy sauce is in my blood and something I just can't give up no matter what. It's a cultural thing. :/

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7292 · July 30, 2012 at 1:04 PM

I would avoid soy sauce like the plague. Soy is horrible for you.

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1884 · July 30, 2012 at 12:46 PM

Maybe it's because I'm part Japanese, and we were raised on good rice and soy sauce... I can't stand the horrible splash of cauliflower juice you get when you bite into it. It just ruins any image of rice you could fake. Very unfortunate because I gave it a second shot and tried making rice pudding with it. lol

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1884 · August 10, 2012 at 7:52 PM

Oh yeah, spaghetti squash is disgusting. The texture is so off... not a good spaghetti substitute at all. I don't know what everybody is thinking.

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222 · July 30, 2012 at 8:39 PM

I've had good success with coconut flour but I've never done a recipe that ONLY called for coconut flour. It was always that AND almond flour or that AND tapioca starch. That said, I've devoured all of those recipes, so I'd say they were successful.

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