Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse? - PaleoHacks.com

Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T14:18:35Z

Time for the truth: I've gained 25-30 pounds in the past 9 months. Lost my job in September 2011 and launched a baking business in January 2012 [yes I plan to incorporate more gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, and Paleo options into my sales now!]

I'd been keeping up with the gym regularly for the first 6. And then not so much. I'd been eating mostly healthy for the first 7, but I kept eating my own stuff/sampling bits from new recipes, etc. And then became apathetic about healthy eating.

For the past month I've been reading about all different sorts of changes I could make to my food sources.

Made a decision that best for me would be to highly restrict or eliminate sugar and at least experiment with eliminating gluten. I also badly need to increase my protein intake and have more veggies.

Guess what this looks like? The NOT-Cult version of Paleo, for the most part.

So I'll try it out for at least a few months to see how it changes me [I'm also going to get back to interval swim workouts and starting Bar Method classes in a couple of weeks].

Today is DAY 1.

My husband is 100% on board but also being obnoxious already. He's VERY critical about food, eating habits, picky eating, being healthy, not being fat, etc. And so he's thrilled I want to make changes, and thinks Paleo is a great choice for me. However he's VERY much of the 80% IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH variety. Sure doing something is better than doing nothing, but WHY AREN'T YOU DOING EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN? He's much more 'good is the enemy of great' and I'm more 'perfect is the enemy of good'. Or rather that on a spectrum between good and the closest to perfection that's actually attainable, great falls VERYclose to perfection, rather than somewhere in the middle.

Any suggestions for how to handle an...over-zealous spouse? Or someone whose version of 'getting healthy' doesn't include anything other than full-stop whole-nine-yards methods? Or a spouse who admonished your past eating and is preemptively judging your plan for going Paleo?

Answer by greymouser for Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T14:35:24Z

WHY AREN'T YOU DOING EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN?

Tell him: It's because, deep down, I'd feel bad for you if we were divorced.

Answer by hannah for Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T14:51:41Z

It sounds like your husband is so focused on your process that he has forgotten to focus on himself. If he spent half that energy he is using to bully you on himself, he might be the healthiest human on the planet.

Everybody approaches their health differently. Your approach is, I believe, very sensible. Perfection IS the enemy of good. Maybe ask him why he is so spending so much time on you and your diet/exercise. You are an adult. You make decisions regarding YOUR body. He does not have any right to tell you how to eat or move.

If it continues, perhaps approach this with a couples counselor, because this could potentially cause further issues.

Good luck to you.

Answer by Karma for Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T15:02:48Z

It sounds to me like although he claims to be "on board", he's not being supportive of you...Some people can make a life change like this overnight, others need to transition...You need to make this process work for you, and if transitioning gradually is what you need to do to succeed, he needs to support you in that...

@ Greymouser...Excellent answer :-)

Answer by Rob for Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T15:23:31Z

So about that baking business you didn't ask about...

At the last two small scale bakers I encountered and asked about the ingredients the first looked at me like I'd asked for a kidney and said she didn't recall the exact ingredients and the other told me it was a proprietary secret.

I doubt I'm the only one out there who doesn't buy things without looking at the ingredients first.

Answer by Talldog for Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T15:28:09Z

Paleo and SAD (calorie restricted) diets are based on two completely different theories of what mechanisms cause you to lose weight--and the theories are incompatible with each other.

The theory underlying paleo weight loss is that your body has a mechanism for maintaining a specific body-weight/body-fat level; that things like calorie-restriction, high-carb intake, restrictions on fat intake, and (yes even) over exercise "break" this mechanism; that the reason people are overweight is because this mechanism is broken; and that your first goal should be repairing this mechanism so it works properly.

SAD diets are built around the idea that your body is always trying to store more fat. So, you have to "fight" your body by restricting calories and burning off excess calories with exercise. It's a constant struggle between your mental desire to maintain a certain weight, and your body's desire to become obese.

Paleo views excess body fat as a symptom of your physical body abnormally functioning.

SAD views excess body fat as your physical body functioning normally; it is simply a result of gluttony and lack of discipline--a mental problem.

Your husband doesn't understand that paleo is a system with it's own set of rules, and that it only works if you stick to the rules for that system. You husband is trying to mix the rules of two different systems (which never works).

You need a common framework for discussion. Get Taubes' "Why We Get Fat" and read it out loud topgether or watch "Fat Head" together (or do both). While not strictly paleo, they do a good job of explaining the differences between the SAD diet mindset and the low-carb mindset.

Answer by Eric for Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T16:30:36Z

You might pick one food such as vanilla ice cream and go 100% paleo with vanilla ice cream...

Answer by patti2003 for Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T17:18:53Z

All marriages are different and only you know what'll work with your hubby. When my husband talks to me in a way that I cannot deal with I tell him that "he has to stop communicating in that way because I feel _____ when he talks to me this way." We've been married a long time and he now gets that he has to listen to this. It took some good counseling before we both learned how to talk so the other would listen, however.

Prochaska wrote about different stages that people go through in health behavior change (http://www.amazon.com/Changing-Good-Revolutionary-Overcoming-Positively/dp/038072572X) and we all deal with changing our health behaviors (any behavior, really) differently. So no one can tell YOU the best way to change YOUR behavior. That's for you to discern based on what works for YOU. But their are some general things that often work. Here are some I personally think work well (YMMV):

http://tinyhabits.com/ http://www.behaviormodel.org/

Try to remember that people are generally doing as well as they can.

Answer by VB for Dealing with a not-very-supportive spouse?

2012-08-28T18:59:32Z

Perfection is not attainable. Tell him that you love him very much, but he makes you feel bad. Ask him for his support - tell him that you just need to take it easy right now, you are trying to start over. Just use a lot of positive comments, yet express your feelings so he knows it bothers you. Good luck! I know you will do well!