( I warn you this is a bit long! I apologise)
I'm 16 and my relationship with food isn't the best. I started to think differently about myself at about 13 when someone at school kept calling me anorexic, even though I was at a perfectly healthy weight, just naturally on the tall side and have a small frame. From then on I payed more attention to calories and body weight, There wouldn't be a day that goes by without me knowing approx how much i would eat a day.
I'd say since i was 13 I would mainly eat for taste, and have tendencies to under eat, i counted calories to make sure i wasn't over eating, I didnt think i was fat or underweight, but I had the urge to pay attention to this.
As the years went past and after a family incident a relative moved into my place and cooked for us, It was great because take-aways aren't the healthiest. Then at 15 I was bullied by a bunch of overweight girls, and picked on me about anything and everything. I started to emotional eat after dinner after school and i slowly began to gain weight. I got upset about this and decided to eat smaller lunches to compensate for eating more, but that didn't work. So i ended up compulsive exercising, I would walk 3 k's from home with a 5kg bag on my back as fast as I can. I did this day in day out, until one night I practically collapsed and fell asleep instantly. The next morning by the time I arrived at school I started shaking and my muscles were hurting. I saw a doctor and he said I over-exercised and should take it easy for a few weeks.
I was very upset about all this. I knew that sugar was a big craving of mine, so i started googling how to stop this. It was here I found Mark's Daily Apple and within 2 days of hours of reading I went cold turkey paleo. I stupidly didn't replace anything I took out and I didn't know how to cook, but i was determined of getting rid of this " craving issue". I ended up becomming 3 kgs underweight and lost my period. I started distaning myself from my friends because of course, if you don't eat enough it affects your mood. I'm not mentally ill, and within 2 months of not having my period I upped my calories to 2300 a day, I gained all the weight back by myself and got my period back.
I upped my carbs to 150g because my mood was still funny, and this improved my mood. Now i'm okay, my health teachers at school are amazed with my knowledge on food and I get compliments from my friends of how healthy i now look , but I still have a few issues.
On weekdays because of the un-paleo food the cafeteria gives at school, and because of my suspected wheat allergy which causes asthma, I would only bring 2 rice crackers
( I'm not 100% paleo, and am recovering from severe constipation from being underweight and not eating enough, and i'm following fodmaps because of acid stomach and is seeing a G.I specialist about this I do eat white rice and more dark chocolate than reccomended),
out of this stupid fear that i still wont be able to eat slightly less at dinner, and i would gain weight. Sometimes I end up eating two meals, one at breakfast one at night, and will eat half my daily calorie intake in the morning, and half for dinner , so please don't think im not eating enough. Im very careful that I eat enough because If i undereat, when i tend to do quite easily, then I will probably end up snacking on some rubbish later, or just eat some dark chocolate lying around.
Now im counting my calories again and even though I eat enough, I now chew and spit food after dinner, mainly because ive been used to eating alot at dinner ,and it somehow emulates my emotional eating days.
I wish i was normal, I wish i was like everyone else. everyone else seems to be so care-free with their eating, by this i mean, not binging or not thinking about food so much.
I wish i just had a healthy relationship with eating,
If you have any suggestions, or advice, or your own experience, it would be much appreciated.