Long story short, it was my birthday and I ate way too much cake. I feel hungover and I want to die. I need to do the 12.3 Crossfit WOD on Sunday so I'd like to feel "normal". Any suggestions on how to detox FAST?!
Water and tea, as often and as much as you can stand. Eat a lot of spinach or another leafy green, and stick to the cleanest, lightest foods possible.
What exactly is bugging you? There are tons of good herbal remedies out there for specific things. Ginger helps digestion, chili powder clears your head and sinuses, apples settle your stomach, etc. Look for foods that will make you feel better without going out of your way.
Detoxing fast will just make you give into the cake again. Just go back to eating normal, fasting or purging at this stage isn't going to make you feel better. If you feel a bit fragile/not on top form, you shouldn't fast or drink lots of water, thereby weakening yourself even more. Just eat good food with plenty of nutrients. Drinking lots of water doesn't purge out crap, it flushes out electrolytes and lots will just shock your cells into holding on to water. That's why constipated people are always slugging water but never getting better...
Are you really sure you need to detox? Since you said you ate a lot and tagged your question with "death", my guess is that you need something more than simple detox.
In my case, the cause of my "I want to die" feeling after some heavy meal is just some food rolling in my stomach much longer than necessary. It is like something still working there after 24h. In those cases there are lots of pills that could help, but whenever I am near desperation there is one solution that solves everything VERY fast: puke.
Some countries have some awfully bitter/disgusting digestion alcoholic snaps. Something far more common is a good baking soda teaspoon in your mouth and flush it down quickly with strong lemonade. Add some lemon drops to baking soda, see the reaction, and you will understand. It is important to mix both things down in your stomach. Do not mix in a glass and do not repeat.
Just wait 6 hours after your last meal. In a normal case it will be just disgusting and ease emptying your stomach. If you have a big mess, it will make you feel awful and drive you to puke immediately (be ready taking it in your bathroom). It is not pleasant at all. A pill remedy will take several days. Vomiting is a more natural response to some bad food and works in minutes. Most people try to prevent that because it is unpleasant, but if your body is asking for it, ease it if you want to feel well sooner.
After that drinking lots of water is important. Before that too, but might make you feel really bad adding liquid to an upset stomach. I agree with all the other questions regarding fasting. A fasting will be great to clean the stuff you could not get out on time.
Science for it: If your stomach is working a long time it will be very acid. Most anti-acid have Sodium bicarbonate (like baking soda) because it neutralices acid. Lemon is acid but the reaction when mixed together is what will force leftovers from your stomach go out. Which way, depends on how bad the case is.
metamucil or some sort of fiber without maltodextrin and without aspertame. Mix it with water of course Usually when I crash and eat a whole pizza pie, that's how I wash down my pizza. Also makes for an interesting surprise in the toilet the next day.
As others have said, plenty of water is great. If you have access to a sauna, spend some time there, just be sure to alternate with periods of cooling down. Try taking epsom salts baths as well. If you're feeling hardcore, you could get a colonic, or diy enema. Supplements that can help:extra vitamin c, magnesium, and you could also try taking some activated charcoal which often works for me. Drink lots of bone broth, and eat very clean foods. Use dry brushing on your skin. Get as much rest and relaxation as you can, but most of all, let go of the stress/guilt and just decide to make different choices in the future!
Need some help figuring out paleo... 5 Answers
Is water fasting recommended? 6 Answers
Should I plan IF around workouts? 2 Answers
No-cook breakfast ideas? 13 Answers