To be honest, he doesn't really suggest much bread but he wants to fry things in peanut oil (I am allergic to peanuts, he reasons that they have no allergens) use ridiculous amounts of cream and butter in things, eat pasta and skimps on vegetables. I have agreed to eat a non-paleo meal with him at most once a week, his choice what it is. I have explained multiple times that JUST because a food tastes good (as his usually does) is not reason enough to put it in my daily diet. We both do weightlifting and tennis and I just want to eat in peace so I can ensure I get my protein and vegetables without counting calories or eating nutritionally null food.
I am just so sick of fighting. I have reasoned, I have told him that he can eat his own food and I will eat mine, I have asked that he leaves his sauces and cheeses on HIS plate and not mine and none of it works. He feels his food is stifled by my 'crazy restrictions', that I end up liking whatever he makes that is non-Paleo anyways, and that he wants to fix my 'fucked up relationship with food'. I am not anorexic, I am not incredibly concerned about losing weight, and I am not so inflexible that I would die before eating a piece of cake. How do you deal with a partner who dismisses paleo and makes it their mission to 'fix' your eating? Are there any good cookbooks I can get so he doesn't feel like he's constantly eating chicken breasts and vegetables?
You want the truth? I wouldn't be staying with him.
Before I get jumped on...
Two people can coexist in a relationship where one eats Paleo and the other doesn't. Plenty of us on here do it. My SO was munching on Combos the other day and I just didn't join in. My food choices and his are not an issue. Because when you respect each other, you realize the other person is a competent adult that can make their own decisions about their food choices. It's not even a blip on the radar.
If someone disrespected me enough to make nasty remarks (like your "fucked up relationship with food", when all you're trying to do is be aware for your own good health), I wouldn't be dating them very long. Or at all. Because if you're going to belittle me just because I don't want to (or can't or whatever) eat wheat, then what else are you going to try to rake me over the coals about?
Respect is the issue. And if he can't respect your decisions on something as small as this, what happens when you make a decision on something huge?
I can make decisions just fine on my own, and I'm sure you can too. I'm sure you're a competent adult. So his disrespect is appalling.
"I am allergic to peanuts, he reasons that they have no allergens" <- This alone seems like reason enough to DTMFA. Get out, find someone who isn't a jerk. I realize that peanut oil has been ruled safe for the majority of allergic individuals, but if an oil isn't processed well enough, there may be some protein in it that could cause a reaction. I can see why he wouldn't worry, but if you've made your concerns clear, he is doing this to spite you.
Your diet and your body are your concerns and yours alone. He has no business trying to sabotage you.
I'm a chef who owns a gluten-free / mostly paleo catering company, and I'm mostly paleo and I don't find it to be very restrictive at all. GOOD food tastes good. Meat is good. Vegetables are good. If he can't respect your decision to eat a certain way, and belittles your choices, then that's more of a problem than the food you share. (or don't) And if he can't make good food out of the paleo guidelines, he should find a new career.
And if he says that peanuts have no allergens, I am extremely concerned about him making food for people. He's absolutely wrong, and is lucky no one has died and sued his ass.
If you do decide to stay with this jackass, "Good Meat" is my favorite cookbook on the subject of sustainable meat, and includes recipes for some of the less common parts.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but no one needs to stay in a relationship that is less than wonderful.
Let me put the "respect" issue into refined perspective.
He has contempt for something meaningful to you. NO relationship survives when there is contempt, when one has contempt for the other! It is the number one predicter of divorce in marriage. "fucked up relationship with food"? Right there, that's contempt. Sneaking in potential allergens into food? Contempt.
If he dated an ethical vegan would he try sneaking in meat, fish, or dairy into their dishes? What do you think that would say about a person who did that to the other?
He needs to start accepting your choice about your health; or you need to see this as a harbinger of a larger future where more of what you think, say, or do will be demeaned and you will be seen as unequal and accept unhappiness and a chance of fatal allergic reactions.
To be honest, if I had a partner who was so seriously dismissing things that were so very important to me -- I would be dismissing that partner. There you go. The VERY best advice I can offer, based on experience, and on YEARS of trying to "change" someone that I truly cared about into someone who matched the illusion I had of what he/she "could" be... If someone who claims to care for you can't accept you as you are, that isn't a healthy relationship -- and where there is one symptom like this, there are likely others hiding in the wings.
I have been both the coercive party and the one coerced in relationships, in the guise of "Love", and I can tell you that recognizing that I was BEING coercive helped me to see clearly all the places where others were subtly manipulating me with their own coercion... and in a couple of these cases, truly loving that person meant letting him or her go, because the fundamentals of our 'selves' were incompatible. You don't have to do so in a mean way -- but disrespect is disrespect, and if individuals in a relationship can't at least respect one another's choices, it isn't a health-promoting situation, regardless of what you're eating.
Get the heck out! For all the reasons already stated above.
I met BF1 when I was 21 and beginning to put on weight. He whined and moaned about my being overweight, but fed me heaping plates of pasta on a nightly basis. No matter how many times I told him to just serve me small amounts, he always handed me a mounding plate with a big sweet smile on his face. I'm not sure how conscious he was of his behavior, I think he really thought he was being nice, but subconsciously he was trying to control and trap me. Sure, I was his fat girlfriend, but I was HIS fat girlfriend and far less likely stray. I figured this out over time and in the meantime I was miserable and confused. I had no idea how bad pasta was back then, but I knew those huge plates were doing me no favors.
I got together with BF2 when I was 26 and had just gone from 240 to 195, I then went down an additional 15 and looked better than I had since I was 20. I was happy, proud, strong, etc. I started learning about WAPF (not even Paleo or Primal) and trying to eat more that way and he FLIPPED out. Said I was "no fun" even though we often ate out and I was just ordering different things now. He also put tons of pressure on me to continue losing weight, though my body was resisting and I felt great and felt I needed time to adjust to my 60 lb weight loss before working towards me. He was a majorly controlling a-hole and horrible for my self-esteem. On one hand he insisted I lose tons more weight (which at the time scared the sh*t out of me), while on the other I couldn't change how I ate to improve my health because it was "not fun" for him.
Get out! I'm 36, single, and pleased as punch with who I am, how I eat, and were my body is headed 19 months post-partum (yeah, that's another story or two, lol).
As someone who is allergic to soy and peanuts, and DOES react to the supposedly "safe" oils.... he is endangering your life! Leave without a second thought. This is abuse.
I agree with A. Respect is the issue. My wife isn't paleo but I'm hardcore. Do I care that her food sucks? Yes. Hell yes. But I have no desire to change or "fix" her just as she has no desire to do that to me. She is an adult-she can make her own choices.
Respect. Seriously. Dump the douche and find somebody that respects you just for making a deliberate choice in your WOE-even if (and especially if) they don't agree with you.
Peggy the Primal Parent has a couple blog posts on this very thing-her relationship ended for pretty much the same reason and it def worked out for the best.
Wait! he knows you're allergic to Peanuts and yet wants to give you Peanut oil? Like someone else said. Dump the Douchebag!
Food isn't the problem here, your boyfriend is. He is really controlling over your food decisions, especially since he disregards the fact that you have peanut allergies. This is the opposite of what a boyfriend should do. What else does he try to push you around with? If he doesn't respect your wishes over small things such as not wanting some condiments, he will begin not respecting your decisions over bigger things. I've seen it happen over and over again.
Dump that fucker and find a real man. Real men aren't as pissy and dramatic like your boyfriend.