I know you owe me nothing, I know my trolling must have been insufferable, and I haven't earned many friends here.
But if I don’t change right now, I’m going to be dead in a month.
In this post, I would like to offer the complete and total truth.
I'm very serious about this 2 week water fast. I know everybody tells me it's not going to work, but it's something I believe in beyond a shadow of a doubt. Monday IS the day. I’m going to do it, or I’m going to die, but I will NOT fail.
I would like to start a blog/vlog covering my journey from here, and im wondering if you think it would have a chance of gaining a serious following.
I’m extremely physically and mentally ill. I’m dying, and I need to change NOW because this is absolute last chance and I can NOT accept the life I’ve living. I’m supposed to be one the worlds greatest, I’m supposed to be make a big change, I’m supposed to be a revolutionary.
Growing up, I was always supposed to be “the golden child.” The best looking, the genius, the star of the family that everybody KNEW was going to “make it.” My mom told me people used to stop her on the street with me to comment on my looks and how I should go into acting or modeling. This is when I was 3.
I’ve been a musician and classic rock junkie since childhood- hardrock is in my blood, it’s my very soul, I live and breath it. It’s how I’ve always identified myself.
I was the talented one, I was the special one, I was always the one to watch. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to be a great scientist, or a mega star in the entertainment industry, but I knew I’d be one of them, and so did everybody around me, even some people who really hated me. I’ve been a musician and classic rock junkie since childhood- hardrock is in my blood, it’s my very soul, I live and breath it. It’s how I’ve always identified myself. I KNEW it was gonna happen someday!
Life was great, I can’t lie. I was popular in high school, got all the best girls, lost my virginity at 12, had a great home life, etc. I thought “if I can just keep this up, life will be perfect!”
I’ll never forget the day I had my first death-anxiety induced panic attack at 16. Cold sweats, shaking, crying, heart pounding… I was listening to “the end” by the doors, and I suddenly had a very clear and complete contemplation and what eternal death was like, and I’ve never felt anything like it before or since. Pure, absolute terror.
The next day I became a transhumanist. I started researching radical life extension technologies- gene therapy, nano, etc- and I decided I was going to dedicate my life to finding the solution for aging and mortality. My plan was to go to MIT, study A.I and nano, and develop technology around the brain-in-a-vat theory to create potential centuries of full virtual reality. I’d also perhaps get to work for the likes of Marvin Minsky or Aubrey de Grey (both of whom I’ve met, btw.)
I started going to conferences, the singularity summit, MIT labs, etc. I’d meet professors and apply for internships. I’d write articles on doctorate level work and have it published.
Around this time, I also got into the mens rights movement (MRA.)
I also started going to taco bell everyday.
So M.I.T tells me my grades aren’t quite up to par (thanks to slacking off in the early years), but if I took a year off , took some classes,did some work and really impressed them, they’d be happy to have me. Great!
I’ll never forget july 19th 2010, the day I picked up guns n roses book Watch you bleed in boston airport on the way back from one such meeting. Immediately I knew “THIS is what I have to do! THIS is who I am”! I’d never felt a stronger feeling in my entire life.
By this time 90% of my calories comes from fast food/junk food
I went to Vietnam to teach English as my sister was doing,thinking it would be great for my MIT resume. Of course I was listening to appetite everyday. The teaching was a complete disaster, but I had so much fun. Sexy European girls, free and plentiful weed, brawls with hordes of drunken Australian backpackers.We had a rotating band we called “the wrecking crew”, and wreck shit we did. I was 18 and invincible.
Then I was offered heroin, and accepted. I’ll never forget November 5th 2010 either. It was that night I formulated my plan- I would start the next greatest hardrock band, rise up to superfame, become a cultural icon around the globe, and use that to foster the transhumanist revolution and become the ultimate hero of humanity.
I hitch hiked from south florida to L.A. Describing that would triple this post, so I’ll justsay ask if you want any details. It’s the craziest part of the story.
I turned 19.
Ah, the joys of opiates. I had all sorts of crazy ideas that were, admittingly, pretty fucking cool to think about. My original plan was the scale the wall of Geffen records, burst in some unsuspecting AR and tell them all about my brilliant plan. It would work..it HAS to work! Of course they’d see how brilliant it was!
Then I thought first, I wanted to become infamous, then rise up. I wanted to stand against the materialistic, judgement. I hate how the average people are shut down, how people are told they aren’t good enough or cool enough. Maybe I’d create this “troll character”, a fat ugly loser type, to become a tabloid. Under the watchful eye of heroin, I started this ridiculous idea where I invented this character called “the #1 infamous anti-celebrity and celebrity stalker” and proceeded to write a series of letters to select actresses and TMZ about my plan and exploits. I’d sneak into movie premiers at the Chinese theater (I actually got into the Oscars a few weeks ago.)
Of course, I was here for guns n roses, and the first thing I did was go on the “GNR hajj” where I visited all of the classic places: canters, el compadres, the hell house, etc. I lived down the street from the liquor store on sunset/ la brea in slash’s book.
By this time, 100% of my calories are coming from fast food/junk food. I’m topping 15,000 calories a dy and 2 gallons of soda a day.
Remembering my privileged childhood, I always regretted not having lived a more “street” life. I thought, “If im going to be GNR, I gotta LIVE gnr”.
I came up with a motto- WWSD- “what would slash do?” the answer the obvious- I need to drink and do drugs!
And thus the “suicide diet” got kicked up a few notches. I started drinking, shooting up, “living life”.
I had a fake ID- shit I looked old enough- and always made sure I had enough vodka. A half gallon turned to a full gallon. Then 1 gallon a day would turn into 2. My eyes would turn yellow. My skin would turn yellow, (except for when it would turn blue). I'd throw up blood. I'd cough up blood. I'd go to the bathroom and see nothing but blood. My legs would swell and start bleeding from the pores. I’d start having vivid hallucinations. Shoot. Spike.rail.
I’d shoot 2 consecutive speedballs, go to the mirror and see my skin turn blue, only to go and shoot another one, pass out, and wake up 2 days later…and do it again. spike I started having serious symptoms, and really started feeling sick.
I turned 20. rail
I knew it was time to stop, but now I was beginning to realize what so many before me hadn’t- I wasn’t able to.
I was sick shoot. I was beginning to look different. I need to quit. Ok, I quit. Rail Ok, next week. Monday is the day Shoot
So I turned 20.5….time to quit next monday Shoot.rail
I finally reached 2 gallons a day, everyday. My skin/eyes are always yellow. I’ve gained 30 pounds. I supported a habit through illegal means*
*note- I never hurt anybody in anyway, and was never involved in anything harder than weed.
And now im 2 months, 3 weeks and 3 days away from 21, and it’s time to change. I KNOW that im meant for more than this…it isn’t supposed to be this way…
And it wont be. This Monday is IT, no matter what. I will finish this two week water fast, restore my youth and rise up in the hard rock revolution. im going to change for everybody who believed in me becausethis life is NOT how things are supposed to be.
so, do you think if i made a youtube account tonightt posting my story, i could get a following for this? how should i say it? what should i do?