Sorry, but about all you can do is just quietly do your own paleo thing. Don't nag or try to explain anything. Also even if asked, give short answers. You can not get someone else to buy into this. Even if she says she wants to do it, she will have to own it. Otherwise, you will have to be the Paleo Police. "Can I eat this?" "Well, what about this?" "Why not? Her eating is not your responsibility no matter how much you want it for her. But, the fact that you are willing to cook and she likes what you fix is a real positive. Maybe after awhile she will follow a few steps at a time.

I would suggest you say something like

"I love you and support you living the way you want, I am not trying to change anything about you, but I do ask that you learn some basics about this so you can be my support system in this as you are in so much else"

Than if she agrees give her some really basic stuff and a link to a happy family centered paleo site.

In six months if she isn't interested on her own (yea six months, really) you can suggest you each take on a month long challenge, you can challenge her to be Paleo for January and she can challenge you to make a change she really wants.

Be polite, and lead by example. SHe doesn't want to be persuaded to "go Paleo" but I'm sure if you get to realize it's her Idea, then she'll jump on wholeheartedly.

After you lose a large measure of weight, feel better, and have leagues of energy everyday, she will follow your example. Don't push it on her forcefully. No one likes being told they are wrong - especially if they are.

I was "your wife" not too long ago. Haha What I mean to say is that my husband was the one doing paleo on and off several times. I would jealously watch him drop weight, feel incredible and all of the great things that go along with the paleo stye. I have never been the "try all the diets person" but did find great success with weight watchers. So while the DH was eating paleo I was trying my weight watcher style. Meanwhile dinnertime was a disaster for us both b/c he was wanting one thing and I was wanting the other. We are both Crossfitters and so, of course, I hear about paleo nearly daily. For me, my husband was NEVER pushy or anything and I think that was the biggest. I saw his success and the success of others I know who have done paleo. I'm the type that if my DH had been pushy or anything even remotely close it would have made me even more anti-paleo. Having said all of that, I'm going into my 3rd week of paleo and had gotten up to 10.4 pounds lost (then had a birthday cheat meal which was a mess). So I'm now at 8.8 pounds lost. So my advice, just keep hanging in there and being a positive, patient role model. My last suggestion (which is NOT a good one, I know, so don't judge me! haha) is cook dinner more. If she likes your paleo cooking then do more of it and she's then eating paleo more and not even necessarily knowing it. :) Good luck!

I'd recommend that you start out with high carb for a while with plenty of tubers and rice, and focus on eliminating one thing at a time, like first sweetened things, then wheat etc.

If she wants to lose fat, get her to start lifting weights and walking a lot. Design a program where she does 1 set to failure of everything 2x a week. It actually works and it's minimally tedious.

Have you considered getting her to do Atkins at least? Ive found that to be the transition point for my husband. He's totally skeptical about wheat/dairy intolerance but he's totally accepting of bacon and eggs for breakfast every morning and the fact that going carbless is a good weight loss plan. YES he still drinks diet coke, No, he wouldn't touch a head of Kale or Broccoli Rabe with a ten foot pole but at least we have a lot of common ground now. I may eat coconut products and fish during the day but we can both agree on some sauteed spinach and grassfed steak for dinner. He still eats some gross stuff and doesn't seem concerned about PUFA's and doesn't scour the ingredients when he goes to restaurants like I do but he's fine with turning his sandwiches from the italian deli in to salads and ordering bunless burgers from McDonalds.

I doubt I'll ever get him to go 90-100% paleo but ate least with him doing Atkins we can agree on things and he can get his sugar free jello (yes I know it's gross) and not whine about me controlling him. He's losing weight too. I'd love to see him eat clean but just cutting the bread and sugar has been such a big change for him that I'm not pushing it.

I just give him fish pills, Vitamin D supplements, and Magnesium to make up where he's probably missing out and call it a friggin day.

Put the business card of a divorce lawyer on the fridge.

Does she read? I was totally won over by Robb Wolf's Paleo Solution. My husband isn't a reader and I am trying to get him to go Paleo with me and the kids (he is Paleo at home but I am sure he isn't when he eats out for lunch, etc.) so I signed into his Facebook acct. and "liked" a whole bunch of different Paleo FB sites so they would appear in his feed and he would get the jist that way (heehee). Do you spend a lot of time in the car together? I always read to my husband on long trips and that is a good way too - captive audience and all. ;~) If she would read Paleo Solution, Primal Blueprint, one of those, I think she would be a believer... Good luck!

well if it was me and wanting to convert my hubby...

1. grill him a grokified rib eye with a bangin ass salad

2. leave the dirty dishes and have a grokified hot monkey sex session

if this does not convert her... then leave her the h3ll alone. IMO, your job as a husband is to love your wife unconditionally and not diet her or even mention her body/weight/past diets

What if your wife had gone paleo and you were not? Should you be changing now even though it doesn't appeal to you? If she went vegan, would you be obligated to follow?

Marrying a person doesn't give you the right to make their choices for them--that's for parents of young children. Areas of change occur in one or both over time, sometimes in agreement and sometimes in opposite directions.

Why strain such an important relationship by trying to prove to each other that you're right? Better to congratulate each other on any health gains and look for areas of agreement and compromise.

Keep trying, but don't tell her what to do. You have to SHOW her.

My girlfriend didn't want to try it at first, now she's a Paleo Evangelist when she's with her friends.

She's been eating a somewhat strict Paleo diet (We still eat some dairy like raw cheeses, pastured butter, unsweetened yogurt and kefir...sometimes we add honey or chocolate) for about 2 months now. I've been eating a little stricter for about 4-5 months. We've both lost weight, feel more energetic and happy, sleep better, etc... But progress can be slow. After the initial bump in fat-loss (or water-weight, whatever it is, it's gone) progress has definitely slowed. I've leveled off mostly in my weight loss, but my body composition is changing before my eyes. So is hers.

I think all that you can do is put energy into things that are within your sphere of control. Otherwise you are going to be endlessly frustrated and angry.

I get it. Many of my "mom friends" (really play date acquaintances) are on SLimfast, Biggest Loser competition type diets. No one has transformed their bodies and health because these strategies are so clearly temporary. You are asking her to change something about herself that she does several times a day - for LIFE. That can be scary.

I approach it like this in my household - expectation. I don't discuss it. I don't fight about it. I just expect we are going to eat this way. It works like 93% of the time. Oh, and my cortisol is at a much healthier level.

Also, have you listened to Robb Wolf's podcast? He tackles this type of question quite a bit. here, just search around. I'm sure you'll find something useful.

I am rebellious and when my husband gets on me about my weight or lack of exercising I tend to rebel and purposely not do it. Okay I know thats wrong but thats how I am. Eventually he sees what I am doing stays quiet and leads by example. I finally came around a little over a month ago and fell in love with eating Paleo. The thing is my hubby doesnt eat Paleo he just wanted me to eat "healthy" and stay active. Now he is jumping on the band wagon!

#1 rule is patience.

I had a similar weight loss after 2 months of Paleo-ish, but that wasn't enough to do the trick. I had great strength gains and recomposition the next 2 months, about the time my wife started getting interested, but can't say my results got her started. I just had some proven answers when she had questions.

Bottom line, something has to click inside. Maybe it's catching a bad angle in the mirror, an outfit that doesn't fit, a round number on the scale. Theoretically, it could be due to general health and wellness, but I'm guessing more people respond to vanity... unless there's a really acute health crisis, perhaps.

If/when they're ready, assuming you haven't been nagging and they haven't been tuning you out, now and only now do you have a chance. Not 100% sure on the best starting resource, unfortunately. Wife didn't respond to Primal Blueprint the way I did, but hasn't let that get in the way of learning and making gradual changes. Although one of her friends read PB and they've discussed it so that helps. I think (fingers crossed) we're at the point where the benefits she's experienced will keep things going in the right direction.

No expert, n=1, but if I had to summarize:

1. be patient
2. don't just be a good example, be a night-and-day example
3. be a good "info ruminant" for if/when they are ready
4. don't bring Paleo up at the first opportunity, wait for one with the most potential
5. help to make the initial experience have a high payoff relative to things lost

I can relate to both her issues and to your epiphany with Paleo. What it is going to come down to is her buckling down and deciding this is what she wants. It sounds cliche' but it is that rock bottom of being sick and tired of feeling bad and not feeling comfortable in your own skin that will motivate her. You are too "close" to it to motivate her. Maybe you should take them helm and plan/cook the meals for her and show her how good "real" food can be and that it is possible to lose the taste for the bad stuff and experience physical and mental vitality. I wish you all the best!

I haven't been able to get my husband to change his diet but he does eat what I give him. The problem is that he eats his main meal away and I KNOW its full of bread and fried everything. He himself feels he needs to loose weight (probably 15lbs) but just hasnt yet gotten there to do it. Even after seeing drastic changes with me.

I have managed to remove just about everything in the house that is processed but if they are not willing to commit, theres not much you can do but have good food there for them and let them get inspired by you. When they are ready they'll already be half way started!!

good luck!!

I want to echo others' ideas about just leading by example. Nagging is not something most people respond to positively. I totally relate to wanting your partner to experience this amazing thing that you're experiencing, but she needs to find it herself. And no woman wants to be reminded that her honey is unhappy with her body. I know my husband can be really stubborn, and he responds best when changes come from his own ideas, or at least he thinks they were his own ideas ;) So I guess this is my advice; back off, be a quiet good example, don't take her personally, and figure out a way to get her thinking that paleo is a good idea that she thought of for herself, all on her own!

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him (or her) drink."

I understand where you are coming from since my hubby also mentions wanting to eat paleo but is showing no inclination to do it on his own. Same thing happened a couple years back when I was on a restricted calorie diet. He wanted to join me, but only if I planned his whole day of meals and then policed him. After about 3 weeks I decided enough was enough. If he wanted to join me he had to put his own effort in. Not only had I turned into his mom asking him to eat his veggies and not drink his beer but he hadn't learned to make good decisions without me.

It took a couple more months but eventually he did find a balance that worked for him and was very successful. With paleo it's especially hard because there are so many more restrictions, I can't badger him into something that likely would not work for him - heck it's hard enough for me to stick to it :) I can just lead by example and hope he comes along someday...on his own.

Actually my biggest concern is my young daughter - I've decided my wife is a grown-up and can make her own decisions and if she prefers to just complain so be it, I can't make her be different than she wants to be.

If this sounds cynical, well it's from long experience. People simply don't change anything unless they really want something to be different. And endlessly complaining about the problem is just another way to keep everything the same and change nothing. mmmm I wonder if my complaining counts here... :-)

Anyway, I have to balance what I feed the daughter against willing to fight her and my wife every day (lordy - the family melt-down when I tried brussels sprouts!) So she's mostly SAD with whatever meats and other 'paleo' foods I can sneak in when nobody's looking. But it's tough! I find myself feeding her cereals for breakfast and justifying with "at least it's not the crap I ate". And I divert her focus on candy by giving her 70% chocolate in her school lunch - but at least she's eating fewer of her friends' Twinkies! (actually, she's converted some of her friends to good chocolate!) Of course I could put my foot down and force her - but not without my wife's support and that's just not there. And not without some way of controlling her foods when I'm not around - I don't want to turn 'Paleo' into an opportunity for her to hide from me.

So, sorry not much help with the wife. But maybe some of my sneaky efforts with the daughter can apply? Get her addicted to good chocolate? Take her to a nice restaurant (wives really like that) with really good grass-fed meats (and don't talk about it too much!)? Introduce little delicacies - kidneys fried in tallow or that perfect liver scramble... Then she'll have a repertoire of what good Paleo food can be like if she ever actually decides to give up the carbs...

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.

The more you push someone seemingly set in their ways, the more likely you'll trigger their confirmation bias. They will seek reasons that only bolster their current stance and find ones to tear down yours. Don't push. As many others have said, lead by example, that is the best means of convincing others that this lifestyle works.

Good luck.

Things take time to sink in. Sometimes, a lot of time. My friends saw how excited I was by my dietary changes, but didn't change themselves. Now, a year and a half later, all of a sudden this one is off wheat, that one is low carb and reading MDA.... Even my picky daughter is trying new dishes. I've been serving them for a year or two and only now has she worked up the courage to taste them.

Change happens, but not always at the pace we'd like.

And I want to echo others. If you nag, all is lost.

Good luck!

-= Update: 6/22/11 =-

Well, I've gotten her to the point that she almost daily declares that she's going to start eating like me, but first I'm going to (insert some weird goal to forego the start of going paleo) first. She acknowledges that I look better, seem happier, have a better mood, and generally just seem “better” than I did 3 months ago. But I still can’t get her to take that first step and just do it.

What’s more, she is filling up the fridge / freezer with all kinds of crap food that I won’t eat and keeps offering it to me – as if to test my resolve. Guess she hasn’t figured out that I have an iron will, and an little warm spot in my heart for all that paleo has done for me.

She eats paleo at least 1 meal per day (dinner) about 5 times a week. If I could get her to take the dog out in the morning I could squeeze breakfast in there as well I think. Alternatively (and perhaps more realistically) any ideas for a quick breakfast I could make for her that would be at least somewhat portable? I can cut the dog walk down by a few min and buy maybe 10 min to make it in the morning before I risk being late to work. I’ve tried bacon and eggs, but I just run out of time too often, and if she sleeps in she doesn’t leave enough time to eat before she has to leave.

Any suggestions? Am I trying to work too hard at getting her on board? Am I just crazy?

Its getting worse. Last night baked half of a chicken in some butter and herbs (It smelled and tasted GREAT!!) and cooked up some squash to go with it. My wife came home and said she wasn't going to eat any because it was "too late in the day and eating after 8 makes you gain weight." This was at about 8:15. So she sat with me on the patio while I enjoyed my meal outside (The upside: Leftovers for lunch today!)

Our conversation eventually turned to the fat in the meat. I was chewing a chunk of it and she told me to give it to the dog. I refused, pointing out that he's not worthy. She then told me that "eating fat makes you fat and raises your cholesterol." When I tried to refute her claims, she started arguing that I never listen to her and she's a nurse and she knows this stuff. So I let it go. But her next comment I can not let go... she told me she is going to go vegetarian.

Not only do I generally disagree with vegetarianism in principal, but its going to be nearly impossible to meal plan / eat together if I'm eating mostly meat & fat, and she's eating only plants. Its so frustrating! She's seen me melt away 15 lbs, lower my blood pressure, and lower my cholesterol over the last 3 months, but still refuses to TRY to eat like me! And now she wants to do something that I KNOW will not only not work for weight loss, but will be unhealthy for her to boot!

Can anyone point me at any research about why vegetarianism is less good than paleo? I know there are a couple studies about having fat in the diet helping with weight loss, and some about the dangers of soy, but I don't know where to find them. Can any of yall point me in the right direction? I need to save the woman I love!

Sorry bro, best I can offer is that you don't have it quite as bad as you think.

Mine's the exact opposite, she's skinny and she started complaining that I'm starving her and the kids because I don't buy bread, bagels, pastries, chips, pasta, or other pre-made crap in a box/bag.

Never mind that I make them breakfast and lunch for her and my oldest kid every day, and there's plenty of carbs in the house in the form of fruits, sweet potatoes, good chocolate, and even white rice.

But, no, if she doesn't have a bagel or force oatmeal on the kids every other day, the universe will implode, or something. She's even claiming that foods cooked in ghee smell bad to her. Sigh...

I think she'd be motivated if she were actually overweight, but she's super skinny.

She hasn't learned the lesson of what tons of grains can do, not even from her own mom who recently became a full blown type 2 diabetic. Mom followed the SAD doctors orders to a T and took whatever meds that destroyed her heart, and caused her osteoporosis and even had to have heart surgery!

I made a care package for her mom a few months ago, before the heart surgery, which might have been avoided. Stuff like Ubiquinol, Magnesium, Potassium, Selenium, R-Lipoic Acid, K2 and other heart friendly vitamins and supplements, but Mom never touched it for fear it would interfere with her meds - the same meds that caused her problems. Instead she stuck with what the doctors told her and wound up needing heart surgery, and more recently knee surgery for her arthritis. (She was walking around just fine last year.)

Never mind that I showed the wife loads of articles pointing to grains as a cause for all of her mom's troubles.

The last time were were out to dinner for one of my son's birthday, mom ate bread with veggies, and no meat. Normally she'd be eating noodles and rice and bread and stuff like that. So mom is hopeless and it looks like my wife is on the same path. :( Wife thinks she's safe because she runs a few miles a day. Yes, I told her about chronic cardio, but she's an addict.

Even worse, I'm trying to keep my kids clean, but she spoils them with crap like donuts and pizza and even went as far as to buy breaded chicken in a bag full made with soy oil. This is even though I make them a coconut flower version organic chicken nuggets in palm oil. I even found receipts from places like Burger King in her car. So she's actively sabotaging what I want for our kids!

Mind you I send her loads of articles on paleo, showed her several books which she refuses to eat. The most I was able to get her to do is to read Chris Kresser's 9 Steps to Perfect Health articles which I had to print and bind for her before she'd touch them.

The most she got out of those is to tell me "Oh, he said you shouldn't eat chicken skin, why did you?" Yeah, ok, I do eat some chicken skin when it's roasted, and I admitted that it's full of n6 PUFAs, but that I eat so much healthier that it won't matter much. But no, she still eats crap in a box, and still feeds the kids the same when I'm not around. It's as if she read those articles just to find some flaw so as to not follow it.

So yeah, I guess I have to plan for not having her around for very long, and a lot of damage repair to the kids' health when they're old enough to understand why I eat the way I do and why they should too. :(

Perhaps it would work if you don't try to info-dump her or try to get her on the diet so strictly. She might be carb addicted, which makes it very difficult to kick the cravings. It is most probably not lack of willpower or motivation that is keeping her, but the addiction which also has the effect of making one unmotivated to exercise and try to eat well.

Cooking for her is awesome! Introduce her to some alternatives to her favorite things, such as banana ice-cream or pancakes made with almond flour and honey etc. I believe that if the big carbs, ie pasta, bread, rice, etc staple foods are out of her diet for a few days, she will drop a bit of water weight and her cravings will become much less. It is usually the carbs we think of as "food" that are the traps, as I'm sure she isn't gorging sweets instead of food all day.

It might be better to try to take things one step at a time instead of making her go paleo from day one. If she likes cheese and milk, let her. Same with legumes etc. It might be more effective to do it slowly and take out the big bad guys (grains) first. And don't nag if she does eat a cookie. She probably has guilt feelings about it anyway. Make your own paleo type cookies the next day :)

And remember to compliment her regularly when she makes progress!

"What’s more, she is filling up the fridge / freezer with all kinds of crap food that I won’t eat and keeps offering it to me – as if to test my resolve"

What! Throw that shit in the garbage and fill the freezer with meat and veggies. Cook giant steaks every night with big ole salads and make her one. If she doesn't eat it, have it for breakfast in the morning.

I would counsel taking a cautious approach with respect to trying to "change" one's spouse on such a fundamental matter as food choice. People easily say they "want" to change but that can and often does become a racket. "I want to change, but..."

The book that convinced me was Good Calories Bad Calories. And initially I wasn't even going for weight loss; just health. My husband has watched me eat paleo for 2.5 years, lose 30+ lb, etc ... and only last month did he finally say, "um, how exactly can I start to eat more paleo?" Hang in there...

My wife has come mostly aboard the paleo train because she recognized that it has helped me to lose weight, handle stress better and feel better. She does let me ramble on about it even if she doesn't believe in it 100%. Having me cook more was a bonus. At the same time we also started keeping more regular bed-times and not workimg quite as much.

What helped the most is that we do emjoy doing things together. If you can share getting healthy with her, it will make all the difference in the world, especially in the beginning. After a month or two her improvements in health overall will keep her motivated.

Be supportive. Work together. Have the common goal.

Good luck to you both!