I cannot stop binging. These are not simple sessions of indulgence, no; these are horrific, 10000 calorie gorge-fests of sickening concoctions which serve only to cram as many calories into as dense a package as possible for absolutely no reason other than to wreak havoc on my system - fried chicken american cheese mayonnaise bacon wraps, sticks of butter mixed with sugar cookie mix eaten raw, cups of peanut butter mixed with chevre and heavy whipping cream.
I try to convince myself that I'm in control, but given the frequency of these nightmareish binges (3-4 times a month at this point), I no longer believe that to be the case. I feel like I can't trust myself at all. They always occur first thing in the morning before I exercise. I start with something small, usually "paleo" (meat, for example) when I'm really craving bullshit junk food, and I end up caving and having a small bit of what I want, and then everything goes to hell and that bottomless pit sensation comes and doesn't leave until I've crammed a literal pound (+400g) of sugar into my system in the form of raw cookie dough and cereal.
I will write what I'm eating as it happens, write my thoughts, my feelings, and no matter what I convince myself it's worth it every fucking time. No matter the pain, the guilt, the restriction thereafter, the consequences just never outweigh the benefits of all those calories.
I'm constantly thinking about food, constantly have the urge to binge, and it's so frustrating to fight that 100% of the time. Of course I'm going to end up giving in; I'm a human, for God's sake.
The feeling of always being hungry has left me contemplating suicide. I can eat over 3000 calories of dry chicken breast in one sitting. I can eat heads of lettuce and want more. I want to be thin so badly, and I wish it wasn't this difficult. It shouldn't be this difficult.
To elaborate further, it seems like the reward value for food is just retardedly high for me. There is literally nothing more satisfying, nothing more enjoyable and comforting then just pure calories. That sounds so fucked up, but my body is just constantly screaming for food and when it gets that hit it's almost orgasmic. Ugh, I'm disgusted with myself.
What should I do? I'm not willing to give up yet. As a consequence of my binges I'm probably up to 134 pounds at 5'9", but 16-17% bodyfat on a lanky male leaves me with little more than a nice big flap of abdominal fat and cripplingly low self-esteem.
edit: question format, tags