Some of these are like-mindedly critical of our lifestyle, just as the other Sh*t __ say video series... if we can't laugh at ourselves...

(At a bar) No, I don't drink beer. I'd like a cider, and two bottles of water. No, it's not for my girlfriend.

(While reading a cookbook) Sounds delicious, if you took out all the crap and replaced it with bacon.

(To a co-worker) So I woke up this morning, and surprise! I can see my Abs! I'm intermittently fasting to celebrate.

(At a coffee shop) Excuse me, I ordered this iced green tea without sugar...

(At a restaurant) Can I get that steak medium-raw?

(At a restaurant) Make sure they don't cook my steak with any oil or margarine... butter is ok though... REAL butter... you don't have any? Here, I have some in my messenger bag.

I had a great workout last night until I got a ticket for trespassing at the Elementary school jungle gym.

(To a co-worker) I don't eat neolithic foods... except for vitamins... oh, and fish oil.

(On the phone) Let's go out for dinner tonight? Where do you want to go? Well, I can't eat there... can you do a Churrascaria? Too much meat? How about a steakhouse?

(On the phone) I can't believe she cheated on me! How did I find out? Yeah, there was an empty box of Captain Crunch in the trash compactor. Hell yea I did! Kicked her to the curb...

(To a vegan co-worker) I've got a great book to loan you, but you're gonna have to open your mind first... at least consider humanely raised meat...

(At a supermarket butcher shop) Was this pork loin locally sourced?

(At a supermarket butcher shop) Are there nitrates in your bacon?

(At a supermarket butcher shop) Do you have any other organ meats?

(At a supermarket produce section) Can you tell me where this spinach came from?

(On the phone) Wait, wait, wait... let me back up... back in 2002 this guy wrote about gluten sensitivity in non-celiacs. Wait, no, hold on... maybe it was 2000... anyway, he has a book, but I mostly got info from his blog...

I like how a lot of paleohackers attribute anything and everything to diet.

"My hair is on fire. What in my diet do you think could have caused this?"

"My left toe fell off when a lion ate it. Do you think I'm getting too many carbs?"

Bone broth will fix that!

Two word answer for EVERY question: coconut oil.

"Robb Wolf says X and Paul Jaminet says Y but Kurt Harris says Z..I'm so confused!"

"Ugh, I feel like crap, must have gotten glutened."

"I'm strict paleo" followed by "I'm primal 'cos butter", followed by "I'm eating rice now", followed by "I eat ancient fermented grains, but that's like, sort of paleo."

The answer to anything that ails you: "Eat more fat!"

See also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2LBICPEK6w

Have you tried eating less carbs?

Have you tried eating more carbs?

"I think I'm leptin ____ "

"Is ___ paleo?" or the related "___ isn't paleo"

"I ate ___ will I be ok?"

"I've been paleo for ___ and I'm not losing weight, HELP!"

"Is this locally sourced and organically fed heritage bred cattle that is fed a soy free and gluten free diet?"

"Have you tried magnesium?"

"Grains are bad, mkay."

Can I replace the side of __ with vegetables?

Where's the fat?
My butcher loves me!
I love my butcher!

"Oh wow, you're paying that much for grassfed ground beef? You gotta talk to the beef lady at my Farmer's Market... $1.50 less than Whole Foods."

"This could use more butter."

Is there vegetable oil in that? Is there flour in that?

Does this contain added sugar?

Could I see the can/box/package this came in?

When I wrote my master's thesis my advisor told me that it was barely readable, and needed a sort of decompression from science-ese to something a normal person could read.

And with that 25 pages became 75 pages, the degree was granted, and I was outta there.

So I always get a laugh out of terse acronyms here such as SAD, IF, PUFA, Omega 6, etc. It's a tip-off that the writer might just be an undergrad. Sophomoric for sure.

WWMSD

WWW9D

WWRWD

...etc.

New person: Really? You don't eat grains??

Me: I'm gluten free.

New person: Seriously?

Me: No. It's just easier that way.

First date - So what kind of food do you like?

Meat.

...seriously, man. Get your head out of the gutter.

Mom: It's not healthy for you to be eating so many eggs. It's bad for your cholesterol!

Me: Eating cholesterol doesn't automatically give you cholesterol, Mom..GOD!

Do you have any grass-finished beef?

Do you think my cod liver oil has to be fermented to work?

Hmmm...I wonder if this classifies as "hyper-palatable?"

At the taco bar at my cafeteria at work yesterday:

Me: "I'd like basically a burrito, but without the wrap. No beans or rice. Lots of lettuce, though."

Cafe Employee: "Chips?"

Me: "No, thanks."

CE: "Chicken or beef?"

Me: "Is there any sugar added to the seasonings in either?"

CE: "Uh, well we don't add any sugar, but I don't know what's in the seasoning that we put on it. It's prepackaged." (Slightly irritated glare) "Do you want me to check the label for you?"

Me: "Would you mind? It would be really helpful..." ... CE: "I didn't see any sugar on the labels."

Me (Knowing full well that there probably are a thousand preservatives in it, but compromising anyway mostly for the sake of rapport with the staff): "Okay, I'll get the chicken. Can I have kind of a lot of it? I'll pay extra if I have to."

CE: "Cheese?"

Me: "No thanks"

CE: "Sour cream or avocado?"

Me: "Can I have both?"...

(As a side note, I'm lucky enough to work in Portland, OR at a major health institution where there are signs posted everywhere in the cafe about the free-range chicken and grass-fed beef served here. So there's another grok-ism for ya.)

I have two.

"So easy a caveman could do it!"

and

"Man, I love bacon. Can we include some bacon?"

yada yada yada LEPTIN RESET yada yada.

Or maybe that's just how I read it anyway.

"We are out of bacon?!" "Oh, the horror!"

I'm out of magnesium.....I am so constipated...

How many carbs in that?

Where's the bacon?

We should make a Paleo "Beggin Strips" commercial...

if you havent seen it heres the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHgGo5dNgeg

Drown it in butter.

"...but how local?"
"Paleo-lithic not neo-lithic. What's that, like 5000 years? Pffft..."
"Hello! It's a nightshade!"
(choosing berries) "Mexico is way closer than New Zealand - zarzamoras it is!"

at a restaurant with friends; eating a sausage and suddenly biting on a bit of cartilage/conjunctive tissue:

"oh awesome, some extra crunch. and it's so good, for anything, really! joints and skin especially. btw you should start adding gelatine to your tea or something... actually, start drinking bone broth, too! without it, you'll eventually die of mineral depletion.

hyper-palatable..........