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Quick background: my mother is my daycare for my eight month old daughter. She doesn't work and my father passed away when I was young so this arrangement works out for us financially and emotionally (no caregiver will love my daughter as much as grandma).

Tonight I found my mom feeding my daughter graham crackers. The only reason I even have them in the house is because my mother isn't paleo and I'm not trying to force it on her. However, I have made my desires about my daughter's nutrition VERY clear: breastmilk, protein, fruit/veg. That's it. I do all the babyfood prep over the weekend and she sees the time and effort I put into it. So this incident really just felt like a slap in the face. What would you say to her? This sort of thing has happened before except she was giving my daughter juice as a four month old and I tried to explain about the sugar and insulin but everything is in one ear and out the other... I don't want this to be a battle of wills and I don't want her to continue to hide things like this, I just need her to respect my wishes. Because I also don't want to resort to putting my child in a daycare that serves USDA snacks...

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Great question. I don't have kids yet, but my husband and I wonder what our children's relationship will be with our parents. Neither of our parents eat the way we do, and we know they'll be the first to feed our kids chips, candy, etc. Looking forward to hearing the answers come in, and good luck! – Priscilla Feb 22 2012 at 11:15
this is a good thread with some useful information for you I think paleohacks.com/questions/61732/… – Thumper Feb 22 2012 at 16:36
my daycare agreed with no hesitation to only give my daughter the food that I prepared for her, no problems whatsoever. if it gets bad, you can find daycares that will work with you. and they are much more compliant than grandparents, in my experience! – Sarah Feb 22 2012 at 19:07

15 Answers

11

She wants to give the kid a treat. Explain to Grandma that that's ok, but they have to be the treats you specify. "Mom, I love you, but I want my daughter to have the best start possible, and that means no grains. If you want to give her a treat, feed her __" and list what you would like her to have.

I would continue to buy things for you Mom that she likes that are not on your diet, but I would not buy the graham crackers anymore. Don't say anything else, just don't bring them in the house. If she says something about it, say you'll buy them if she agrees not to give them to your daughter. Doing it this way may make her realize that, Oh, she really DOESN'T want the baby to have these foods, and you aren't shoving her face in it. She probably thinks graham crackers are healthy and that they were OK.

Grandma thinks she is doing a small thing, no harm, so don't blow it out of proportion. Just let her know, firmly and without anger, that it's important to you that your child is raised this way. Your relationship with your mother is also important, and you don't want to damage that.

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Yeah, this brought me back down to earth. Thanks. I'm quick to blow things out of proportion I guess. One more thing to work on. :) – Susan Feb 22 2012 at 14:56
This is a great point. My roommates daughter used to get treats all the time from extended family, and when she stayed with her father, but it did take a little negotiating to say "these are the okay treats, these are the not-okay treats". People have been more aware of food allergies now, so we just told them to treat it like she has an allergy (she gets eczema from grains, so a legitimate reason for avoiding). At the end of the day though, you can't be there all the time and people don't think they're really doing any harm, so you have to be cool and patient about the whole thing! – JeJ Mar 25 2012 at 16:26
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Personally, I wouldn't do anything beyond just making sure you aren't providing foods you don't want fed to your daughter. I wouldn't worry too much about a little exposure to grain in an 8 month old, certainly not ideal, but the "exposed too early" allergy concept seems to be unraveling if that is what was worrying you.

I go round and round with this whole concept of "correct eating" and how it pertains to children in my head because I have a little guy of my own.

I think I've finally decided on my course of action. First and foremost, trying to foster an environment where food isn't an emotional trigger. Kids can definitely sense the tension when you are shooting laser beams out of your eyes at someone for giving them a piece of candy or crackers. They might not remember the incident, but they will have an emotional imprint of the event, and having the imprint of lots of situations like that is going pave the path for either orthorexia, rebellion, or just free floating guilt. I guess I'm more worried about giving my kid a complex than whether he eats a grilled cheese sandwich or a cookie every so often.

The basis for my laissez-faire attitude about this is mostly because of the quick turnarounds I have seen when people start eating well, even after a lifetime of junk food. I will do my best to fortify him and build his body with quality building blocks when he is in my care, but unless he develops a strong allergy to something, no food is verboten. I want him to learn for himself which fuel works best for his body. Eating junk and then feeling yucky just opens the door for a conversation about why we eat the way we do.

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1 
 As someone who grew up with a father that gave him a serious complex about food, this is a fantastic answer. – j3wcy Feb 22 2012 at 13:41
Yeah, one of the best answers I've read on this and very, very similar to what I do with my own 7-yo son. – Joshua Feb 22 2012 at 21:23
This is such a great answer. I lover how conscientious parents are being about not giving their children complexes about food. Growing up, there were no 'forbidden' foods, but 'special occasion' ones which confusing. When I had access to these foods ( pizza, chips, cakes) at parties, for birthdays or even at brownie/girl guide potlucks I always gorged myself on them. I think that is where my binge eating stemmed from- the idea that I didn't know when I would next see these items.funny thing is that as we grew up, these items became usual in the household and the whole family gained weight. – Jen Mar 25 2012 at 16:31
This is a great answer, and is close to how we're raising our kids (who are much more Weston A Price than paleo). What I find is that my husband and I lament our 7 year old's food choices but then I pick her up at a birthday party and hear about how she teaches the kids at the lunch table to read ingredient labels, or has inspired a veggie-phobic vegetarian child to eat more vegetables. She's a sugar-freak, but also loves meat and eats vegetables every day in her lunchbox. – staceychev May 28 2012 at 14:19
I hope my son evolves to teaching other children about labels. He is currently shocked an amazed that his peers don't like veggies, and being 3 won't take no for an answer. Last time we went to visit his cousin he kept saying, "Good food!" while shoving snap peas and carrot sticks into his cousin's mouth. – Happy Now Jun 4 at 21:23
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I may not say anything, but make it a point that she sees me take the rest of the crackers straight to the garbage. Hopefully its a full box too.

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2 
 Not a bad idea. She comes to your house each day but doesn't live with you, correct? If she can't "behave" around SAD food, make it clear that you won't have it in the house unless she can control herself from feeding it to your child. – Chris Feb 22 2012 at 3:51
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 I also agree to just throw them out. Don't make a big deal out of it, but just stop providing them. I think it's easy to make the mental justification that "she bought it and keeps it in the house, therefore she can't think it's that bad." Whereas, actually sneaking crackers into the house - you'd couldn't deny you were doing something wrong. – Kelly Feb 22 2012 at 4:00
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 Unfortunately, she does live with me. So when I put together the weekly shopping list, there are some things I buy just for her: crackers, cereal, milk, snickers, etc. As much as I'd love to throw it out, that would be a little too passive aggressive for me. I need a more direct approach (other than explaining paleo to her, since that didn't work...) – Susan Feb 22 2012 at 10:32
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 I think refusing to buy crap for her if she feeds it to your daughter is pretty direct. Throwing them out behind her back and claiming you have no knowledge would be passive. I'd go with the first approach every time. – j3wcy Feb 22 2012 at 13:38
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 I did have one other idea....yes grandparents get to give your child crap she shouldn't have....or they at least feel that is their right. Soooo why not explain to her which "cheats" are allowed. Tell her "I will not give her ...ice cream (homemade or organic....) for example, but it is something that you may give her as a special treat from grandma every so often". This gives her the "spoil effect" that grandparents love and with as little detriment to the child as possible. – JayJay Feb 22 2012 at 17:07
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I'd not worry too much about it. I know that you want the best possible diet for your daughter, and I applaud you, but unless your mum is feeding her LOADS of this stuff, all the time, I wouldn't risk your relationship with her (or your daughter's relationship with her!) over a wee bit of non-compliance.

Perhaps you could start by helping your mum realise how ancestral eating will lengthen HER life too. You want her around as long as possible I'm sure. (I lost both my parents too early, 68 and 76, both to avoidable cancer. ) If she learns how it'll help HER, then she'll be MORE than willing to apply it in her grand-daughter's life!

Perhaps get her top read this: http://www.robbwolf.com/healthybaby/

Good luck!

PS: Your daughter's going to eat crap all by herself eventually, now and then. She'll drink beer and eat a Twinkie or two as well.

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 The thing is, I DO worry about it. I cannot be as laid back about this as you are... She's eight months old! What happens when she's two and she and my mother have their special snacks that "mom says you can't have to we have to hide this." It's just setting the stage for a strained relationship with me as well as with food. She won't know anything other than grandma says its ok but mom says no... Regardless, my mother had her opportunity to feed me all the crap in the world as a child and I had the cavities and chub to show for it. I do not want that for my child. – Susan Feb 22 2012 at 10:52
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 I think it's pretty common that grandparents give their grandchildren things that the parents wouldn't allow. It's a way for grandparents to spoil their grandkids, which creates a special bond. I would have to agree that it isn't a big deal - you're daughter won't become chubby and filled with cavities from a few graham crackers every day, especially if everything else she eats is healthy. Maybe just accept that it is a trade-off for having the huge benefit of grandma babysitting everyday? A few graham crackers isn't so bad compared to strangers stuffing your kid full of garbage. – killerbee Feb 22 2012 at 14:41
And also, I know it's tough to "just stop worrying about it." I was raised on pure junk and was overweight as a kid and teenager, and plagued with migraines/acne/a bazillion other things, and when I have kids I do not at all want any of that for them. But the healthiest people I think come from parents who find a healthy balance - not just with nutrition, but with everything. You don't want to feed them junk, but you don't want to be a crazy health nazi either. It will only create issues for them. – killerbee Feb 22 2012 at 14:55
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 While grandparents stereotypically do spoil grandkids, it's different when grandma is a figurehead in everyday life. The kid spends more time with grandma than with mom at this point in her life, so she can't just stop worrying about it. – Chris Feb 22 2012 at 17:03
The way I see it is this: Her worrying is based on not having control over what her child eats while she's not there. She might not have much control over how much she worries, but she can either choose to act on those feelings and create tension between her and her mother, while setting an example of perfection trumping everything to her daughter, or she can just accept that she needs to work, and her mother will be watching her daughter during that time, and she does not have control over what her daughter is fed. What happens when she goes to school and is constantly exposed to bad food? – killerbee Feb 22 2012 at 17:40
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If they're in your house, throw them out. If you feel you must have graham crackers or the like, make them yourself from coconut or almond flour and put them in a jar. When gradma looks for them and finds the ones you've made, those are the ones your daughter will wind up eating - well unless she buys them and brings them with her.

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ooh, great idea! Make Paleo friendly cookies that your Ma can treat her with! – Missi Feb 22 2012 at 14:56
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I'm in a similar situation. My mother is my daughter's daycare, but the difference is that my mother actually runs a daycare out of her home. I'm getting free daycare for my daughter out of it.

My mom has been amazed at my improvements. I got my mom to adopt a bunch of the paleo ideas, she lost some weight but stalled out. Her diabetes seriously diminished but her high blood pressure remained. She got disenchanted with it. I wish there was a Paleo-friendly doc I could send her to to get her advice from the "pro" that she might listen too rather than me, her well-red son.

Still, my mother has a pantry stocked with crackers and snacks for all of the daycare kids. She doesn't know any alternative to providing snacks but the cracks.

I grew up in the home with the daycare kids running around, and I heard all sorts of griping when a parent came in with some whacked-out request that overturned her routine and made lunchtime preparation utter hell because that one child had different needs. For this reason she rarely accepted kids with special nutrition requirements. I don't want to be that parent.

My daughter has developed scaly eczema on her legs and arms, I think my only solution is to bring my mother snacks I approve. Otherwise, my free daycare ride is just going to be a source of family strife.

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3 
 I agree that bringing the snacks and a boxed lunch, so your mom doesn't have extra work, is a good way to handle this. Also, be grateful if she agrees. My kids' nursery school legally can't keep from giving whole grains at snack (2xday) unless I bring my own snacks from home and a doctor's note explaining why my kids need to eat that snack instead of the snack the school provides. It's been a pain but at least they are willing to do it. Very few nursery schools are! – Heidi Feb 22 2012 at 5:21
I never wanted to be "that" parent either. But then again, I was perfectly content with my SAD at the time. Now that my eyes are wide open, it's hard to accept it... @Heidi - Aside from my disdain of the government involvement in what my child eats at daycare, I wish I could find a doctor who would write me a note for the times when she does go to daycare. Unfortunately, the medical providers my daughter has seen scoff at my "weird" dietary choices for her (ex. feeding her acocado as a first food). At least the support the continued nursing... – Susan Feb 22 2012 at 10:46
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My parents aren't my boys daycare/nursery school, but they spend a lot of time with my 3.5 year-old sons and often have them alone for a few hours at a time. No one else could love my kids as much as they do, but my mom also gives my boys snacks and meals I don't approve of. The thing is, my mom is very concerned about nutrition and fitness. She just has spent 70 years of her life believing fat was bad and bread was good and that's so hard to change. She doesn't give my boys crap by most people's standards -- she feeds them things like scrambled eggs with fruit and whole wheat toast. Very nutritious by most American's standards. When I started transitioning my boys to a Paleo Diet, I talked to her a lot about why I was doing it and what I didn't want them eating anymore but she doesn't believe I need to be that strict with the Paleo for the boys. She strongly believes that more meat, veggies and fruit is a good thing -- but she can't stand seeing them eat loads of butter or fat on their meat. And she doesn't see why they can't have a piece of toast now and then.

I had to compromise a lot at the beginning and am still compromising. It just wasn't worth jeopardizing our relationship for. We are slowly finding our way toward a whole foods "Paleo-inspired" diet, but we eat together at least three meals a week and it's extremely hard to keep your kids from eating crackers in their chili when Papa puts half a box in his. My boys used to eat like Grandma and Papa and they don't understand why Grandma gets a roll with lunch and they don't. It's just too hard to fight that and the hurt feelings with the kids and the grandparents are not worth it.

When the boys are with me only they eat Paleo. When my parents come to my house for dinner - we all eat Paleo (with Dairy). When my kids are with my grandparents they eat "our compromise diet." She still won't give them a lot of fat, but she's willing to feed them mostly meat, eggs, dairy, and veggies, although they still are going to get beans, rice, potatoes or bread. At first she was still feeding them a lot of bread -- now it's one or two pieces. It's getting better. But even today, we were out for lunch as a family and we all got the salad bar--lots of fruit, meat, and veggies. Then my dad got a bowl of the corn chowder and at least 10 packs of saltine crackers which of course my boys begged for. My Dad said he was saving one pack for each of them but "they'd have to ask mom." Okay, that's better than two months ago when he would have just given them the crackers, but if I had said no, I would have had to leave the lunch with two crying and screaming boys. I chose not to do that, but it's a hard balance. My dad loves crackers. He will probably continue to eat crackers in front of my boys and they are too young to understand why we eat differently than Papa. For me, I think we are doing well to have slow progress. It's so much better now than three months ago and I keep working at slowly converting my parents.

The bottom line is my relationship and my boys' relationships with my parents are more important than Paleo nutrition. I am slowly working to convert them or to at least have them feed the boys rice or corn instead of bread. Small victories--that's what I'm going for here! If it takes a few years, then so be it. We're learning and growing and taking things slowly.

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I think your boys are probably fine with a piece of toast now and then. Your parents sound like their nutritional values are good compared to most and you are right that your relationship with them is more important than being 100% dogmatic about your diet. – gydle Feb 22 2012 at 6:14
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 I can appreciate the idea of small victories, buy I would be more accepting of that if my daughter had started out SAD. I have known about paleo for a couple years now and want the best for her. Especially knowing what I know now about food. Accepting this would be like telling a mother struggling with breastfeeding, "just give her a little soy formula, it'll be ok." y'know what though? It isn't ok... Just like "everything in moderation" isnt ok. And its a slippery slope.. You're lucky that at least your mother is health conscious. Mine would eat crap if I didn't cook dinner every day for us. – Susan Feb 22 2012 at 11:01
I do understand how frustrating compromise is. I hate it. Your daughter is at an age though where she is beginning to notice what other people are eating. In a few more months she will want to try whatever you and your mom are eating. Once she's a toddler it will be very hard to keep her from eating bread, crackers and cookies if your mom is eating these things around her. In fact, it will be a nightmare, even if your mom agrees not to give them to her. I really hope you find a way to convert your mom or a way to compromise that you feel okay with (like Paleo cookies). Good luck. – Heidi Feb 24 2012 at 2:52
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I have inlaws who feed my children junk. I have accepted that I cannot stop them. I can choose whether they watch my children, but once I have made that decision, I have to understand that I have only limited control over what happens.

If it were my home, I'd get rid of all foods that weren't ok with me, I'd let my mom know my wishes, and then, if she continued to feed my child foods that I didn't want, I would have to decide whether I could accept her continuing to watch my child. Unfortunately, we have to make compromises every day, and if she's taking care of my child with great love and care, I'd probably let the occasional dietary non paleo treat go.

But you'll have to make your own choices.

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Yes, it's taken me awhile but sometimes you do just have to let go. My hope is that they'll learn to like Paleo whole food nutrition so much that they won't be tempted by the really awful junk. Just the ice cream and chocolate bars -- the worthy temptations! – Heidi Feb 24 2012 at 2:55
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I'm in the exact opposite situation - my stepdaughter and her 2-year-old son are living with us temporarily, and she keeps bringing crap into the house because she "can't live without sugar." She feeds him a horrendous diet - he eats almost nothing but fruit (mostly bananas), crackers, cookies, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, sweetened low fat yogurt, cereal and carries a (large) sippy cup of flavored milk with him ALL DAY. It drives me and my husband absolutely bugshit.

As for you, I agree with Graciel - since your mother lives with you and you purchase groceries just for her consumption, stop buying things that an 8-month-old can consume - i.e. graham crackers and fruit juice. If your she comments on their absence, you can explain that you REALLY do not want your daughter eating them, and your mother has enough other snacks of her own. If, when your daughter is two, your mother gives her unapproved snacks and encourages her to hide that from you, then it WILL be time to find a new caregiver. She's your child, and your wishes should prevail.

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I don't even know what flavored milk is . . . Sounds like a nightmare. Does the poor kid have lots of behavioral and sleep problems? – Heidi Feb 24 2012 at 2:33
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I think for your part, realizing that your mom wants to do the normal spoiling of her grandchild might be key to understanding why she's giving your daughter what we consider crap. Your mom may not consider fruit a treat, so she doesn't see how you or your daughter could actually consider it as such. Offering acceptable treats/snacks in place of SAD foods will give her more options. Sure, paleo "treats" are still treats, but it'll be better than graham crackers.

Best of all, she won't have to hide these treats from you and you can avoid her teaching your daughter to keep secrets from you.

If you're doing the buying, only buy things you find acceptable for your daughter to eat. Maybe instead of graham crackers or cookies, buy/make some "paleo substitute" snacks, like Paleonola or paleo granola bars or something like that...a quick treat your mom can grab and enjoy with your daughter. You might even have a few things with dark chocolate, as that makes it even more of a "treat" in most people's minds but it won't have the wheat/gluten and other processed ingredients.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

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I've been toying with the idea of making the paleo-ized snacks... I might just have to give the paleo graham crackers (from joyfulabode.com) a try. I wonder if it would be too much to ask my mom to give my daughter the paleo crackers and she can keep eating her crap crackers... Since the cost of paleo baking certainly adds up to a LOT more than commercialized packaged food. – Susan Feb 22 2012 at 15:00
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Explain the premise of the paleo diet to her. Have her commit to trying it for 30 days if she is willing. Pack your child a lunch. Or you could explain she has an allergy, no one can fight that, especially because most people are celiac.

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I guess you didn't read the comment about the fact that my mother lives with me. So, yeah... – Susan Feb 22 2012 at 12:42
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My son is 13 months. I'm gluten free because of celiac, my hubby and son are not. My hubby eats what most would call crap, oreos, soda, ramen, so they are always in the house, if I don't buy them on sale he'll pay double at the gas station. When I cook everything is gluten free, but I don't force my diet on either of them. My son actually had a banana and graham crackers for breakfast. Here's how I feel. I can become a food Nazi with him and like any child he well rebel eventually. Or I can lead by example, he will grow up knowing my diet and the reasons behind it, I'll teach him the "standard" healthy diet, and there will be some exposure to horrible things like oreos. Luckily my husband agrees that he does not want our kids eating like he does. Not forcing my diet on him is actually making things easier in my relationship with his grand parents. My in laws go behind my back anyways and don't tell me what they feed him, which scares me because I know how they eat. And my parents eat a "standard" healthy diet, without the salt and junk. if you continue to be strick it will create more tention and lies than you have now, your daughter will learn to lie to you about what she eats. I do agree that if your not comfortable with something then provide an alternative that you are comfortable with, and shoot if it's yummier then your mom might be more willing to look at things your way.

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I personally would talk to an expert. That way you can come back to her and say the "Dr." said... I have done that with my family and my now 4 yr old. The doctor said only one treat a day. PERIOD. (and that is a lot for their little bodies!)

These days kids are handed so much junk. In MOPS (ladies lunch where the kids are watched in a separate room), they are given FOUR adult size servings of crackers and cookies. So YES you have every right to be worried. We need to take control and communicate. If we don't, this laissez-faire in society attitude will just persist.

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I did not under any circumstances give my child grains at 8 mos old. Started when she was over 2 1/2 and mainly gluten free or homemade soaked grains bread. – Jeanine May 3 2012 at 19:46
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The way I handle this with my mom works for me & my child and I do feel that I still get across the point that I am grateful for the childcare. I am very very strict and adamant about the food rules (and the no tv rules as well). There are no exceptions, and I am extremely consistent with my mom on it. For me, it's like, without threatening exactly, I have made it completely clear through my instructions that it would be much more of a situation to deal with if the rules are broken than would be worth it for her to break the rule in the first place. Don't know if I explained that well, but it involves being extremely strong, clear, and unwavering, and that it would be a Very Big Deal if anything happened behind my back. We each have to do with what works with our personalities (ours and the mom..and the kid's) but I have found that I have had much, much less problems (over the baby/toddler/preschool years) than my peers whose attitude/priority is to "get along" and not ruffle feathers.

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I wouldn't be a tyrant, that's for sure. Paleo is restrictive and a major decision. I'd say let the kid be a kid and enjoy the foods he or she can while they still can... If he was my age 57 lol. It didn't start hurtin me til I was mid 20s... So just when she gets older tell her the important of eating right as she gets into her adult life. Make her understand her metab does NOT stay fast forever! Heck, nobody is perfect tho. I still love the occasional Doritos cheese chips! Just say moderation is key. I told my kids te same thing and they can still enjoy themselves without being huge food nazis haha. My grand kids live by the same morals as well. Just don't feed her an overdose of sugar obviously. Give her the treats along with the veggies and fruits! Win win!

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