Has Paleo given me poor results, strange side-effects??!!

by 902 · April 20, 2012 at 08:12 PM

This paleo caper is a crock. After a number of months, I have barely lost any weight at all, past an initial few kg. Ok, so I wasn't so worried about this initially, since I didn't really have much to lose, and that wasn't the primary reason for switching. I was expecting to lose more weight than I have by now. I have also noted a number of unexpected and strange side-effects.

For one, it somehow seems to be affecting my laundry. My clothes are stretching and getting all out of shape. Mostly looser, but oddly tighter in a couple of places. Could I somehow be secreting different chemicals in my sweat that affect fabrics, in particular cotton? Perhaps an interaction with some enzymes in laundry detergent?

There's another wardrobe-related effect, too. Winter is here now, and it's getting rather chilly, but none of my jumpers and coats are being used! They just make clutter and take up valuable space, while I walk around in lightweight summer shirts. Come to think of it, perhaps the cold exposure is affecting the shirts, too? I'm not sure how I can determine whether this correlation actually implies causation, though. Can anyone think of a good experimental control? If I wear a jumper or coat, I will likely get too warm and sweat more, confounding the previous issue.

I enjoy scuba-diving, so I tend to pay more attention to my bouyancy than might most of the population. Mine seems to have dropped slightly, which is something of a plus I suppose. Perhaps less gas in the intestines? I wonder if there's a small increase in my rate of oxygen consumption, but have too few datapoints to be sure. If so, that will be annoying.

Finally, and perhaps most crucially, there are the mental and psychological effects. Chief amongst these is my already pretty prominent tendency to make sarcastic and smart-arse comments, even when not entirely appropriate, and especially on the Internet, and most especially in response to poor logic or pseudo-scientific clap-trap. Several friends have commented recently that I seem to be doing this even more lately, though it could just be the addition of dietary issues to the subject matter.

Can anyone recommend any micronutrient changes or supplements that might help address these issues?

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11957 · June 09, 2011 at 10:51 PM

Yikes! You should definitely start supplementing bowls of Fruity Pebbles, three times a day at least. If that's not enough, add a couple of doughnuts, and maybe top it off with a bag of Cheetos.

Fabric changes, especially from secretions, are nothing to mess around with. Look what happened to Bill Clinton. Wisely, he went back to a McDonald's-based WOE, and is all back to normal now.

1195 · June 09, 2011 at 11:11 PM

OMG - get to a nutritionist, right now!! You need an immediate infusion of whole grains and lentils, with cheesecake to follow. That'll sort your clothing and bouyancy problems out, right smartly.

Re the sarcasm, I recommend you immerse yourself in several weight loss magazines and 'how to lose 30lb in 30 days' books. They'll rapidly remove any humour at all, including sarcasm.

Follow these steps and you'll be back to normal in no time at all!

77322 · June 09, 2011 at 10:52 PM

UEP: First of all, I gotta tell you. I feel you! Maybe I'm in a better position than most to appreciate this post. If it weren't you, I would swear it was me writing it.

Unfortunately I am at work (that is unfortunate, believe me!) and can't see if your picture indicates that you are male or female. Now if you are a man and your clothes are getting tighter in the crotch, that's awesome. Write that diet secret and put it in a book. You'll be gazillionaire in no time.

If you want to feel the chill of winter, stop eating bars of Kerry Gold butter (or whatever butter you eat). Instead, try what I have been doing: eat a pint or two of Haagen-Dagz ice-cream. And yes, it has to be H-D.

You already know what you need to do to become more buoyant. Eat a burrito.

Sarcastic? Smart-arse? Afraid I can't help you there. After all, that's why I like this post so much :)

115 · June 10, 2011 at 04:52 AM

Your problems are exactly why leading scientists believe Paleo is the #20 worst of the top 20 diets. I pray for you.

100 · June 09, 2011 at 11:25 PM

I am sure that there is a tinge of sarcasm even in this post!

Health is rarely measured by numbers on a scale. If weight loss was not the main reason for your switch then why worry?

Whenever you clean your diet up, you will burn off the toxins that have built up from years of poor eating and lifestyle choices. This is perfectly normal.

The lack of need for jumpers should excite you. This is a sign that your body and all systems within it are starting to normalise and doesn't have to deal with excessive amounts of toxic load.

All in all it sound like a normal response to cleaning out your diet. Good luck with which ever way you choose to go!

125 · June 11, 2011 at 04:25 PM

Well written and very witty!

11049 · June 10, 2011 at 02:15 AM

Me thinks a lot of people are missing what this post actually is ; )

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